Midnight Blue

Midnight Blue

by glenmore bacarro  

Halos dalawang buwan na ang nakakaraan, mula ng bumisita ako sa lugar na ito. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dahilan ko kung bakit bumalik pa ko dito, alam kong mahirap makahanap ng kwento sa lugar na tulad nito, at alam kong malapit nako sa deadline para sa colum ko ng mga sarisaring kwento sa school organ namin, siguro may isa akong dahilan… umaasa parin ako na makita ko uli siya.

Napansin ko na siya sa unang araw palang ng ‘community duty’ namin sa health clinic sa lugar nila. Isa akong nursing student at kasama sa aming related learning experience ang pagboboluntaryo ng aming serbisyo sa mga mahihirap na komunidad. Nakita ko siyang nakatambay sa may tindahan sa tapat ng clinic at tahimik na nagyoyosi, gwapo siya, maputi at makinis parang hindi siya nababagay sa lugar na iyon, matangkad at may matipunong katawan. Marahil ay napansin niya akong nakatingin sa kanya, dahil bigla siyang tumingin din sa akin at tinaas ang hawak na yosi na para bang sinsabi niyang gusto mong humitit? Namula ako sa pagkapahiya, hiya sa sarili dahil ngayun lang ako humanga sa isang katulad ko…kapareho kong lalaki din, at hiya sa kanya dahil bukod sa bago palang ako sa lugar na iyon ay hindi ko rin siya kilala.

Iniwas ko bigla ang aking tingin at hindi na ko nangahas na sulyapan pa siya, aware ako na nakatingin na siya sa’kin at ng naglakas loob akong sulyapan siya ay nakita ko siyang patalikod at iiling iling na naglakad papalayo…marahil ay nakangiti siya ani ko sa aking sarili at saglit na nagsisisi sapagkat hindi ko nasulyapan ang mga ngiting iyon.

Natapos ang buong araw at naghahanda na kami sa paguwi ng makita ko uli siya, nakatayo sa isang poste ng meralco at muli ay nayoyosi. Muli ay hindi ko maialis ang aking tingin sa kanya. Mukhang malalim ang kanyang iniisip kung kaya nagkaroon ako ng sapat na oras para siya ay matititgan. Muli, hindi ko mapigilan ang paggapang ng kilig sa ‘kin, at lihim kong pinagalitan ang aking sarili sa isang kahibangan na ngayun ko lang naramdaman.

“Uy, sino tinitingnan mo?” siko sakin ng isa kong kagrupo si  Jordan, at sinundan niya ng tingin ang aking tinatanaw.

Nangiti siya at tiningnan niya ako ng makahulugan…alam kong ang iba sa aking mga karupo ay may pagdududa na sa aking kasarian dahil maging ako man s asarili ko ay pinagdududahan ko ang aking pagkalalaki. Hindi na siya umimik ng  makita niya ang aking tinititigan…magsasalita sana ako upang depensahan ang aking sarili pero inunahan niya ako ng pagtapik sa aking balikat sabay sabing “Wag ka magalala, kaibigan ka parin namin.”

Napamaang ako sa tinuran niya. Iniwan niya akong natulala, ibinalik ko ang aking tingin sa lalaking nagyoyosi  at kumabog ang aking dibdib ng makita ko siyang titig na titig sa akin… sa kanyang mga mata hindi ako sigurado kung ano ang nakita ko…kung paghanga o lungkot, malalim at alam kong may iba sa lalaking ito.

“Guys bilis bilisan niyo, baka gabihin kayo, malayo pa naman ang labasan at medyo delikado sa lugar naito…lalo na sa mga tulad niyong istudyante.” Ang narinig kong turan ng aming c.i. nagkumahog akong ayusin ang mga gamit ko at ng nglakad na kaming palabas sa lugar na iyon dinaanan naming siya, nakayuko lang siya at nagsindi uli ng yosi. Ng iiwas ko ang tingin ko sa kanya ay nakita kong nakatitig sakin si Jordan. Titig na makahulugan.

Nagkayayaan kami ng grupo na uminom sa bahay ng isa sa amin bago umuwi sa kanikanilang mga bahay. Alas diyes pa naman ng umaga ang duty naming kinabukasan, nagkaayaan at dalawa lang sa grupo ang hindi sumama, dalawang babae, ako at limang lalake kaming lahat, kasama si Jordan. Gwapo si Jordan, ma appeal pero hindi ako nagkaroon ng malisya sa kanya simula pa noon. Kahit maraming girls at mga bading ang kinikilig at naghahabol sa kanya, palibhasa matalino at may dugong espanyol. Sa una ay maayos ang inuman, palibhasa mga istudyante kame, may kanya kanyang alawans kaya nag beer kami, redhorse at bumili na kami agad ng dalawang case kahit alam naming hindi namin kakayanain yun dahil bukod sa wala sa amin ang lasenggo eh mahihina kami pagdating sa beer. Kalagitnaan ay nagsialisan na ang iba at yung mga babae. Nadako ang usapan sa sex at hindi ko akalain na ilalag ako ni Jordan sa mga kagrupo ko at nauwi sa tuksuhang lasing ang usapan. Tinutukso ako sa kasarian ko at alam kong naasar na ako dahil nagpumilit na akong umuwi.

Marahil ay nakonsensya si Jordan at nagpumilit siya na sabay na kami tutal ay pareho lang kami ng uuwiang lugar, magkasunod na kanto lang ang layo ng bahay nila sa boarding house na inuupahan ko. Wala na rin ako nagawa kahit asar ako sa kanya dahil hilong hilo na rin ako.

Ako ang unang bababa pero bumaba na din siya at sinabing lalakarin nalang niya hanggang sa kanila. Hindi ako umimik dahil masama parin ang loob ko sa kanya naglakad kami ng tahimik at nang makarating nako sa bhause ko at akmang bubuksan na ito ng ngsalita siya.

“Sorry, di ko sinasadya.” Tumigil lang ako sandali at akmang papasaok na ng hinarang niya ang kanyang katawan sa pinto. Tumitig siya sa akin at sa isang iglap ay siniil niya ako ng halik…hindi ko alam kung dahil sa kalasingan kung bakit hindi ko siya nagawang itulak at hinayaan ko siyang ipagpatuloy ang ngayo’y masuyo na niyang halik. Ng maghiwalay ang aming mga labi ay nakatitig lang ako sa kanya at nagtatanong…

“Mahal kita, Nel” anas niya… “…matagal na.”

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang isasagot ko…alam kong hindi ko siya mahal pero hindi ko magawang kontrahin ang nagsususmamo niyang mga mata. Iniiwas ko ang aking mga mata sabay sabing “Hindi pwede… hindi dapat…” ngunit muli dumampi ang mga labi niya.

Tuluyan nang nawala sa huwisyo ang utak ko at nagpadala ako sa tawag ng libog…dahil aminin ko man o sa hindi sa unang halik palang niya tinigasan na rin ako.

Hinila ko siya papasok sa loob ng bhause, itinulak niya pasara ang pinto habang siil parin ako ng halik. Nasasarapan ako sa halik niya at sa isang sulok ng aking isip ay hindi si Jordan ang humahalik sa akin kundi ang lalaking iyon…

Sa isiping iyon ay lalo akong nalibugan sa ginagawa sa akin ni Jordan… nakipagsabayan ako sa kanyang halik, dahan dahan kong sinisipsip ang kanyang dila at nilalaro din ito sa loob ng aking bigbig…napapaungol siya at sabay ang mumuting kagat niya sa aking pangibabang labi…masarap ang halik niya, manamis namis, lasang beer ng hinaluan ng lalaking lalaking amoy ng hininga niya. Isa isa niyang hinuhubad ang mga butones ng uniform ko at ginaya ko na rin sya, paisa isa hanggang sa tuluyang tanging mga brief na lang naming ang natira, hinimas ko ang kanyang bukol at nadama ko ang tirik na tirik na niyang pagkalalki…hinila ko sya ng mga ilang hakbang patungo sa may sofa at pabagsak kaming tumumba…masuyo at marahas parin ang maga halik ni Jordan, at minamasahe ng mga kamay niya ang aking likuran, dibdib, puson…masasarap ang mga sensasyong iyon, habang halos ginagaya ko lamang ang lahat ng mga ginagawa niya sa akin...alam ko na alam niya na iyon ang una ko sa pakikipagtalik sa isang lalaki. Bumaba ang halik niya sa leeg ko, ramdam ko ang init at basang labi niya sabay ng mga mumunting kagat at sipsip…napapaungol ako sa sarap...pinapadaan niya ang dila pababa sa aking dibdib at dagling pinagsawaan ang aking utong…tanging mga ungol lamang ang naisusukli ko sa nakakakiliting sarap na hatid nito…bumaba siya ulit paunti unti at dama ko ang init ng kanyang dila sa puson at at ang masusuyong haplos sa aking katawan, habang tuluyana na niyang hinubad ang suot kong brief at saglit na tinitigan ang naghuhumindig kong ari…

hinawakan niya ito at ikinulong sa kanyang mga palad at dahan dahan at tila ba nanunudyong dampian ng halik ang pinakaulo nito…halik at panakanaka ay dinidilaan niya ang butas nito…napapaungol ako sa sarap, ganun pala ang pakiramdam. Halos nagmakawa ako sa kanya na ituloy lang niya ang ginagawa...nahugot ko ang aking hininga ng maramdaman ko ang init at basa niyang pagsubo sa ulo ng burat ko,,,at dahang dahang isubo ang kabuuan nito...napasinghap ako sa sarap at sa kiliting sensasyon ng kanyang ginagawa…napasabunot ako sa kanyang buhok ng ramdam ko ang higpit at pressure ng kanyang patsupa, hindi ko maipaliwanag ang aking nararamdamang sarap...

“Ooooohhhh…shitttt ang sarrrapppp…ahhhhh” magaling si Jordan, duda akong matagal na niya itong ginagawa…sa patuloy niyang paglabas masok pagsubo sa akin ay alam kong malapit na akong labasan...at marahil ay naramdaman niya ito dahil mas lalo niyang binilisan at hinigpitan ang kanyang pagtsupa...kasabay ng aking ungol ay ang pagsubo niya ng buo sa aking titi at bumulwak ang aking katas sa loob ng kanyang bibig sabay sa pagnmasahe sa aking bayag at pagkurot sa aking utong…halos mapasigaw ako sa sarap. Mga ilang segundo ding sumirit ang aking katas at sinimot niya lahat iyon…hinahabol ko ang aking hininga at nawalan ng lakas ng tumigil siya sa pagtsupa sa akin at pagsimot sa aking katas..muli siyang humalik sa aking dibdib at nagjakol habang sinususo ako..ilang sandali lang din ang lumipas ng pumulandit ang kanyang katas. Nakatitig lang ako sa kanya at hindi makapaniwala sa mga nangyari. Tumingin siya sa akin at ngumiti, niyakap niya ako at ilang sandali pa ay nakatulog  na siya…

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Nagpatuloy ang relasyong hindi ko mawari kung ano sa amin ni Jordan…alam kong hindi ko siya mahal pero masarap siya sa kama..ilang beses ding naulit ang aming pagtatalik ngunit alam kong hanggang kama lang nararamdaman ko sa kanya… patuloy parin akong lihim na umiibig sa lalaking araw araw kong nakikitang nakatambay sa may poste ng meralco.

At kung minsan nararamdamn ko ang hinanakit sa akin ni Jordan at ang kanyang selos sa lalaking ni hindi ko pa nakikilala.

Isang araw na halos wala kaming ginagawa sa clinic ay inatake kami ni Jordan ng kalibugan. Sa likod ng clinic kahit tanghaling tapat ay iniraos naming ang nagiinit naming katawan. Pagakatapos naming nagtsupan ay pinauna ko na si Jordan pabalik at maghihintay ako ng ilang sandali para hindi kami mahalata. Ng papalabas na ako sa tabing na pader ay laking gulat ko ng makita kong nakatayo lang at naksandall sa pader sa kabila ng pinagtalikan naming ni Jordan ang lalaking lihim kong iniibig…natulala ako at napako sa kinatatayuan at namula sa pagka pahiya. Tiningnan niya ako ng makahulugan at ngumiti siya sa akin...ang unang beses kong nakitang ngiti na tumunaw sa aking puso, ang mapupula niyang labi at ang mapuputing pantay pantay na mga ngipin...itinaas niya ang kanyang hawak na yosi at lumakad papalayo. Para akong tuod na nakatulala lang sa kung saan siya nakatayo kanina. Ng hapon ding iyon, hindi ko siya nakita sa dati niyang tambayan

Ako ang naatasan isang hapon na maghouse visit sa isang batang maysakit, sinamahan ako ng isa kong kagrupong babae. Pagakatapos naming gawin ang dapat gawin ay umalis din kami agad sa takot na baka kung anung mangyari sa amin doon. Huli na ng mapansin kong naiwan ko aking stethoscope at napagpasyahan ko na balikan ito sapagkat kakailanganin ko din ito kinabukasan sa school, wala kaming community duty kinabukasan. Uwian na ng maisipan kong daanan ang gamit kong naiwan at hindi nako nasamahan ni Jordan dahil sa tumawag ang kangyang mommy at magpapasama sa kung saan. Naglakas loob akong puntahan ang bahay ng batang maysakit kahit wala akong kasama, hapon na noon at papadilim na. Maayos ko naman narating ang bahay ngunit sa pagtataka ko at pagtataka ng lahat hindi namin mahanap ang nawawala kong gamit.

Nilisan ko ang bahay na namumroblema sa kung ano ang gagamitin ko kinabukasan…hindi ko napansin ang lalaking nakatayo sa di kalayuan at akmang lalagapasan ko na siya ng magsalita ito

“Pwede makisindi?” mala musikang boses na nagpakaba sa dibdib ko, madilim na nuon at naaaninag ko ang gwapong mukha ng lihim kong iniibig.

“Ha?” ang sagot patanong ko, dahil sa bukod sa hindi ako nagyoyosi eh wala din akong hawak na sigarilyo.

Ngumiti siya at hindi ko mapigilan ang mapanganga sa nakakahipnotismo niyang mga ngiti.

“Pwede ba kitang ihatid?” sa halip ay tanong niya at lumapit na siya sa akin at nuoy nasilayan ko ng malapitan ang napakaganda niyang mukha.

Marahil ay umoo ako dahil ang sunod ko na lang na naalala ay sabay kaming naglalakad patungong labasan. Walang imik at tahimik lang siyang humihitit ng yosi, may dala pala siyang lighter at naghatid sa akin ng kilig ang katotohanang marahil ay paraan niya lamang iyon upang mapansin ko siya.

Nasa may labasan na kami at sa hintayan ng sasakyan ng nagsalita siya…

“Gusto mo…videoke muna tayo?” sabi niyang nakatingin sa isang videoke hause sa amay di kalayuan...walang tao nuon dahil maaga pa kaya umoo ako dahil na rin sa ayaw ko pang matapos ang nga sandaling iyon.

Parang kilala na siya sa lugar na yon dahil parang sanay na sa kanya ang mga tagabantay sa videoke hause nayun… at sa kamalas malasan pa ng umorder siya ng inuming nakalalasing ay hard ito...wala daw stock ng beer… hindi nako nakapalag dahil sa bukod sa hindi niya ko tinanong kung umiinom ba ako ay basta nalamang sya umorder, sabay sabing “…pasensya na, wala silang redhorse.”

Maganda ang boses ni Jet, kasing swabe at lamig ng kanyang personality… nasa tono naman siyang kumanta pero hindi kagalingan. Nakailang kanta at ilang tungga din kami ng emperador ng maramdaman kong hindi na kinakaya ng sikmura ko ang alak.

Napasugod ako sa banyo dahil nasusuka na ko at nakasunod naman siya sa akin ng may pagaalala. Dahil na rin siguro sa hiya kaya hindi rin ako tuluyang nasuka…napapikit nalang ako dahil umiikot na ang paningin ko at sumandal sa dingding.

“Okay ka lang?” anang tinig na nagaalala...tumango lang ako sabay yuko sa may grripo at pinadaloy ang tubig at naghilamos…naramdaman ko ang kanyang kamay na hinahagod ang aking likuran… masarap sa pakiramdam ang kanyang ginagawa at kumabog ang aking dibdib at nawala ang aking pagkahilo…inaamin ko nagkaroon ako ng malisya sa simpleng hagod lang niya. Marahil ay naramdaman niya ang aking pagkabalisa kung kayat inalis niya ang kamay sa likod ko.

Tumayo ako, humarap sa kanya nakita kong titig na titig siya sa akin…

Dahan dahan niyang kinuha ang aking kaliwang kamay at dinala ito sa kanyang pisngi, pumikit siya na animoy nananaginip at masuyo niyang dinampian ng halik ang likod ng aking palad..  dumilat siya, at muli ay nakita ko sa kanyang mga mata ang lungkot, lungkot na minsan ko ng nakita sa kanyang mga mata… hindi ko alam kung ano ang nararamdaman ko ng mga panahong iyon dahil dama ko ang bigat ng pagiisa at sakit ng kalooban na kanyang dinaranas… hinawan ko ang kanyang mukha, pinadaan ko ang aking mga daliri sa linya ng kanyang panga at marahang pinisil ang kanyang pisngi… dahan dahan kong inilapit ang aking mukha at idinampi ang aking mga labi sa kanyang napaamang na mga labi..tamis ng halik ng tunay na pagibig,., marahan, masuyo…ngayon ko napatunayan na siya ang iniibig ko. Ng bumitaw ako at titigan sya ay siya ring pagdaloy ng luha sa kanyang mga mata, dama ko ang lungkot…pinunasan ko ng aking mga daliri ang kanyang mga luha at muli ay dinampian ko siya ng halik, at sa pagkakataong ito gumanti siya ng halik at marahan nagsisimula ng maglakbay ang aming mga kamay.

Sa paglapit ng aming mga katawan ay naramdaman ko ang unti unting pagkabuhay ng kanyang sandata, na sya ring naging dahilan upang tuluyan na ring tumigas ang aking ari.

ipinasok ko ang aking kanang kamay sa pantalon at loob ng brief niya at pinisil at piniga ko ang naghuhumindik na niyang sandata, sa ginawa kong iyon ay napaungol siya, na siyang hinihintay ko upang ipasok ang maalab kong dila sa loob ng kanyang bibig…ginalugad ko ang loob nito at nilalaro laro ko ang dila niya, at napaungol ako sa sarap ng sipsipin niya ng marahan ang dila ko… umatras siya ng bahagya at inilock ang pinto ng banyo, at muli ay siniil niya ako ng halik… tinanggal ko ang kanyang damit at ganun din ang ginawa niya sa akin.. ibinababa ko ang aking halik sa kanyang leeg, at iginuguhit ko aking dila pababa sa kanyang dibdib…salitang kinakagat ng marahan at sinisipsip,,, pababa sa puson habang tinatanggal ko ang kanyang pantalon kasama ng kanyang puting brief. Ibinaba ko ang aking halik hanggang sa taas na bahagi ng kanyang hindi kalaguang bulbol… hinihimas ko ang kanyang bayag at sarap na sarap siya sa aking ginagawa… nilaro ng dila ko a ulo ng kanyang ari at napapasinghap siya sa sarap… dahan dahan kong isnubo ang kabuuan ng ulo nito at nilaro laro ng dila ko…habang patuloy ako sa paghimas sa kanyang bayag at itaas  na  bahagi ng kanyang bulbol…

masarap siya at hindi nakaksawang laruin ang kanyang sandata… dahan dahan kong isinubo ang kabuuan nito at sinubukang sagarin ngunit hindi ko kakayanin dahil sa may kalakihan ang kanyang kargada… napapalakas ang kanyang ungol habang tsinutsupa ko siya, binibilisan ko ang paglalabas masok ng aking bigbig sa kanyang ari at sinasabayan niya ito ng mala ritmikong galaw at pagkantot… sinisipsip ko at sinsagad hanggang kaya sabay ng paghigop sa kanyang ari… tanging ungol at manaka nakang pagsasabi ng “ang galling mooo…” ang kanyang nasasambit. “Ooooohhhh….”

Nang marahil ay malapit na siyang labasan ay pinatigil niya ako at nagpalit kami ng pwesto siya naman ang sumuso sa akin at pinagsawaan din niya ang ari ko,… halos ilang minuto lang ng ramdam kong sasabog na ako ..tumigil siya at sinabihan ako ng “ako muna” sabay palit kami uli ng pwesto at pinasubo niya sa akin ang matigas pain niyang ari..ilang saglit lang ng pagsuso sa kanyang ari sabay sa pagjajakol ko ng akin ay halos sabay kanming nilabasan…pumulandit sa loob ng aking bigbig ang mainit niyang katas at ilang ulit kong naramdaman ang pagnginig ng kanyang kalamnan sabay sa pagsabog din ng aking katas sahig ng banyo… patuloy ko siyang tsinupa hanggang nasaid ang huling patak ng kanyang tamod…

pinatayo niya ako at niyakap ng mahigpit.

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Dumaan ang mga araw, ngunit hindi na naulit sa amin iyon ni Jet, though lagi ko siyang nakikita ay walang pagkakataon na wala si Jordan sa tabi ko… isang araw bago ang huling araw ng duty naming sa lugar na iyon ng absent si Jordan ay nagawa naming ni Jet na magsolo ngunit hindi na naulit ang pagtatalik namin..

“Handa mo bang iwan si Jordan para sa akin?” tanong niya nung araw na iyon.

Hndi ako nakasagot dahil mahirap gawin ang hinihingi niya,,hindi ko kayang saktan si Jordan kahit hindi siya ang mahal ko..

Tumitig sitya sa akin at animoy nasaktan sa tagal ng aking kasagutan..noon din ay sinagot ko siya ng oo…

Ngumiti siya sabay sabing  “Ayoko na rito, Nel…gusto ko ng magbagong buhay kasama ka.. May ipon na ako...handa na para sa bagong simula.” Tinitigan ko siya at nakita kong seryoso siya...muli ang lungkot at takot ay nababanaag ko sa kanyang mga mata..

“Sa makalawa, pagkatapos ng duty niyo...sasama na ako sa iyo.” Sabi nitong sa malayo nakatingin… “Kahit hindi tayo magsama sa iisang bubong… basta ayoko na rito.”

Hindi  ko siya nasagot… marahil ay dahil sa hindi rin ako handa.

“Pwede bang sa Sunday na lang? Tutal dalawang araw lang mula bukas makalawa…” ang sabi ko.

Tumango siya… “Alam mo kung san mo ko makikita…”

Dumating ang araw na iyon, sa pagdadalawang isip ko ay natagalan ako bago maghanda para puntahan siya…ngunit dumating si Jordan at marahil ay alam niya na iiwanan ko na siya… nagmakaawa siya at muli ay lumambot ang puso ko sa kanya… ng gabing iyon pinagsaluhan naming ni Jordan ang sarap ng kataksilan…alam kong nagtataksil ako kay Jet sa kadahilanang siya talaga ang mahal ko.

Hindi kami nagkita ni Jet, hindi ko siya nasipot…at mula noon nawala ang komunikasyon namin. Sa hindi ko pagsipot hindi ko na rin siya natawagan at wala siyang reply sa mga text ko…alam ko galit siya…hindi ko na siya nahanap.

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Halos dalawang  buwan na ang nakakaraan, mula ng bumisita ako sa lugar na ito. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dahilan ko kung bakit bumalik pa ako dito, marahil ay nagbabakasakali lang ako na makita ko siya uli…wala na kami ni Jordan, at gaya ng sabi ko wala na rin kaming komunikasyon ni Jet…bumalik ako sa lugar na ito upang makahanap ng kwento para maipasa sa editor namin…deadline na sa makalawa.

Sa muling pananariwa ng nakaraan sa lugar na ito ay hindi ko maiwasang mapangiti ng mapait. Nasaan na kaya si jet?

Makikita ko parin kaya siya sa poste ng meralco?

Sa paglalakad ko ay pumailanlang ang isang awitin na nagpangiti sa akin…naalala ko ang swabe at baritonong tinig ng lalaking minsan ay minahal ko, o maaaring patuloy na minamahal ko.

Hinanap ko ang pinanggalingan ng tugtog at napakunot ang noo ko ng makita ko ito. Lumapit ako at nagkaroon ng interes na maaring dito ay may mahahagilap akong kwento. Naupo ako sa isa sa mga silya doon at nakatitig lang sa harapan… marahil ay gusto ko lang magpahinga kaya naisipan kong pumasok…naramdaman kong may naupo sa tabi ko, nilinga ko siya at kita ko sa kanyang mga mata ang pagdadalamhati, may katandaan na ang aleng ito at mugto ang mga mata… “Kilala mo ang anak ko?” ang tanong niya sa akin na pagaralgal na boses.

Alanganing napangiti ako sapagkat hindi talaga doon ang sadya ko…

“Kung alam ko lang…” anas niya na animoy hindi alintana ang aking presensya.. nagkaroon ako ng interes na maaaring maisusulat ko ang buhay ng anak ng aleng ito…

“Maaari mo bang ikwento sa akin kung sino siya…?” ang sabi kong ininguso ang nasa harapan.

tumango siya...at inilabas ko ang aking celphone para gawing recorder at ang aking ballpen at pad paper.

“Alam kong matagal na siyang nagtitiis…” panimula niya.. “Kung sana nakinig lang ako noon, sana ay naagapan ko pa siya…sana hindi ito nanagyari sa kanya…sana hindi ito ginawa ng hayop niyang amain…” tumulo ang kaninang luha ay pilit niyang pinipigil…hindi niya natapos ang kanyang kwento dahil sa kanyang emosyon kaya naghanap ako ng makakapagkwento sa akin ng buo…

Mula pa pala pagkabata ay minomolestya na siya ng kanyang amain… ginawa siyang sex slave, parausan lalo na kung lulong sa droga ang kanyang stepfather..nagsimula ang panggagahasa sa kanya nung siya ay grade six palang…nagbulag bulagan ang kanyang ina dahil sa pagmamahal nito sa kanyang pangalawang asawa… hindi nagka girlfriend o walang nagging kaibigan ang biktima dahil sa takot na siya ay pandirihan at takot na rin sa kanyang amain…

Papaalis na ako noon sa lugar na iyon na hindi man lang sumisilip sa biktima…nireview ko ang mga nakalap kong data para sa isang kwentong maaaring mailathala sa aming school organ ng binigay ko ang huling katanungan… “Paano siya namatay?”

“Dahil sa bugbog…nalaman ng amain niya na makikipagtanan na siya o lalayas na siya, hindi sinipot…bumalik ayun binugbog… halos dalawang bwang nakaratay sa ospital bago namatay…”

“Kanino siya makikipagtanan?...Maari ko ba siyang makausap?” ang tanong ko…

Tinitigan ako ng babaeng kausap ko at sinabin ng pabulong… “Atin atin lang to…ang alam ko makikipagtanan siya sa taong nagngangalang Midnight Blue…diba pangalang lalaki yun?” aniya na may kalakip na makahulugang ngiti. “Sino si Midnight Blue?” tanong pa nito na animoy alam ko ang sagot.

Napamaang ako…matagal bago ako naglakas ng loob na lumapit sa puting kabaong na kanina pa ay tila kumakaway sa akin. Napapalibutan ito ng mga putting bulaklak… sa paglapit ko, nakita ko ang isang mukha ng puno ng katahimikan…isang mukha na nakaaklas sa lungkot, isang mukha na payapa… dumaloy ang isang patak ng luha sa aking pisngi.

Habang tinutupi ko ang liham ko sa aking editor ay  pinapakinggan ko ang pintig ng aking puso gamit ang nawala kong stethoscope… marahil ay nagtataka kayo kung paanong naibalik sa akin ito, tulad ng pagtataka ko kung bakit hindi parin tumitigil ang puso ko sa pagtibok gayung ang pagibig nito ay hindi na kailanman matatagpuan dito sa ibabaw ng mundo.

Lea,

editor-in-chief

Fatima Tribune

I am sorry to tell you that I can’t provide a story for this month’s issue. I am still searching for the pieces that had been taken away from me…my heart…my love…my soul.

                                                                                                            Yours,

                                                                                                            Nel M.B

                                                                                                            a.k.a Midnight Blue

end

Anthony

Anthony

by glenmore bacarro

101208

It’s already three in the morning.

I’m waiting for my phone to ring.

With a broken heart I’m still hoping.

Your voice to tell those sweetest things.

Tomorrow’s another day of a shattered dream.

Hollow, empty, bitter and broken within.

Looking for those places where we had been.

From where love remains and knows no ending.

Your smile with just a single glance.

My heart beats and fell into a trance.

I can’t help but to hope for another chance.

Of the love you promised and we shared once.

Why can’t you see the misery you caused?

In to the heart that loves you, the love you dumped.

I’d never asked for more, hope was just enough.

To keep me burning to the love that once ours!

I always say I don’t love you anymore.

Got to move on and forget what I loved for.

But my heart lied and pain get through my core.

Coz I’d still long for the love we had before.

Oh! Why do I love you selflessly?

Afterall the pain and heartaches you gave me.

When you taught me how to love you Anthony?

Why haven’t you taught me how to set you free?

(A poem I made as requested by Lawrence – a new friend, I met from 'Pureza Boarding House')

(dedicated for his ex boyfriend, named Anthony)

bestfriend's love

most touching lines said by a bestfriend....

"when i die, don't come near my body...

because my hands may not be able to wipe your tears anymore."

Salamin

"Bakit ganon? Hindi ba’t sa pagharap mo lamang sa salamin makikita ang tunay na ikaw? Hindi ba’t hindi ito nakakapagsinungaling? Hindi bat ito ang sukatan ng perpektong pangarap lalo na sa isang taong pinagkaitan ng paglaya mula sa mundong nababalot ng lungkot at ligayang hatid ng imoralidad? Hindi bat sa pagharap sa kanya ay makikita ang perpekto at ang tunay na ikaw? Ngunit bakit ganon? Bakit ang perpekto ay nananatili paring katulad at kawangis ng realidad?"
-Salamingb!

Nakalimutan Kong Babae Pala si Cinderella

Nangarap lang naman ako tulad ng iba…na darating din ang aking prinsipe at isasayaw ako ng walang kapaguran hanggang sa pagpatak alas dose ng hating gabi, at sa huli ay ibibigay niya ang halik na gigising sa aking matagal na pagkakahimbing. Katulad ng lahat naniwala ako na darating siya…
Ni minsan ay hindi ko naisip na sa katauhan ko pala ay ang isang prinsipe na naligaw at nagaakala na may darating pang isang prinsipe upang siya’y sagipin…
Lumipas ang panahon at natutunan ko na dalawa lang ang mundong ating ginagalawan. Isang kasinungalingan at isang ilusyon…mga mundong tayo mismo ang may gawa. Sapagkat ayaw nating tanggapin ang katotohanang walang ligayang hated ang realidad, at tanging sa binalangkas na mundong ito lang natin matatagpuan an gating prinsipe.

-Nakalimutan Kong Babae Pala si Cinderella
gb!

Bakit Nagtatago si Adan

"..nagtataka ako kung bakit ang hirap sa tulad natin ang pagpapakatotoo? Na buksan ang puso at hagkan ang ating tunay na katauhan. Bakit hindi natin ipamahagi ang kahit na isang dakot ng pagmamahal sa mga katulad natin? Ibigin ang katulad, an gating mga kabaro? Ang mga katulad nating isinumpa hindi ng kapalaran kundi sila na nagsasabing tuwid sa mata ng Diyos at ng madla. ‘Di ba’t pag-ibig din ang hanap nila? Bakit hindi na lang tayo ang magmahalan? Bakit kailangang itago pa natin ang kagandahang sa dilim lang nailaladlad? Bakit pa natin hintaying sa putikan ilalagak ang putik kung kaya naman nating gumawa ng kastilyo mula sa kung anong putik meron ang ating pagkatao?"


-Bakit Nagtatago si Adan
gb!

'Pag Naging Kulay Rosas ang Gabi

Ngayong gabi…sa sandaling hinubaran ng kapa ang buwan, kapag ang bawat bituin ay bibigyang laya…kikislap ang bawat aninong matagal ng nagtatago sa dilim. Mahuhubad ang mga maskarang hinulma ng pagkukunwari. Dahil sa gabing ito, walang batas ang nagbabawal na hagkan ang tamis ng paglaya. Kalayaang ipinagdamot hindi ng tadhana kundi ng huwad na katotohanan… Hayaan mong halikan ng kasalanan ang mga labi ng kalungkutan…ng sa gayon Malaya mong maangkin ang ligayang hatid ng isang gabing paglaya mula sa mundong inari na ng mga banal at ng mga mapanghusga na ganid sa makamundong karapatan.

-'Pag Naging Kulay Rosas ang Gabi
gb!

Yosi Break

"...ganito kasi yon, parang nagyoyosi ka lang. kung sino ang tumutulong sayo upang hindi mo mahitit lahat ng nikotina…yun bang filter? Diba, sa bawat stik na hinihitit mo, sa bawat buga ay nadiyan siya para harangin ang nakakasama sa katawan mo? ‘Di ba pagkatapos maubos o pag nahitit mo na lahat yung yosi itatapon mo siya bilang upos upos? At hindi lang yon, hindi ba’t pagkatapon at ‘pag hindi ka nakuntento aapakan at yuyurakan mo ito hindi ba? Wala sa hinagap ng iyong utak ang makunsensya hindi ba? Dahil alam mong iyon ang nararapat. Dahil ginawa siya para dun, ginawa siya ng walang pagtatampo at galit sa sinulang handa siyang itapon...
Parang isang taong nagmamahal at hindi minamahal lang di yan…hindi siya nangangarap na magsasama kayo hanggang sa huli, dahil alam niyang pagkatpos siya gamitin ay mawawalan na siya ng silbi. Tama na sa kanya na sa bawat hitit at buga at ligayang hatid ng iba…ay nakailang ulit din niyang nadama ang init ng iyong mga labi."

-Yosi Break
gb!

Tatlo Kaming Nilikha

Sa simula…nilikha Niya si Adan mula sa alabok, at mula sa kanya ay hinugot si Eba. 

Dahil sa kasalanan sila ay itinakwil sa Paraiso…

Hindi ako produkto ng isang pagkakamali, nakalimutan mang itala sa kasaysayan ang aking pagsilang, isa lang ang sigurado ako…na ako ay nilikha Niya ng Siya’y napag-isa sa Paraiso. Nilikha niya ako ng buo at hindi Niya hinugot si Eba mula sa akin. Yan ang dahilan kung bakit dalawa ang aking katauhan…hindi ako kulang, hindi ako hati, hindi ako isinumpa!…bagkus ako ay buo, kumpleto at ako ay tulad din nila, nilikha upang lumigaya at hindi upang itatwa.

-Tatlo Kaming Nilikha
gb!

never meant to be...

"A sad thing in life is that sometimes you meet someone 

who means a lot to you only to find out in the end 

that it was never bound to be 

and you just have to let go."

-anonymous

Black Rose

Black Rose

by glenmore bacarro

091108

You have your own beauty.

That’s being envied by most.

For you outshined above the rest.

And you’re alone on your rarest.

Within your dark velvety petals;

A charm that no one can despise:

That’s why they chose you.

That’s why sin chooses you.

You concealed lust through lies.

And masked truth through fantasies

You cling to someone else’s heart.

And left your family behind!

You listen to no one.

Hid no advices:

Because you know when

You’re in full bloom,

You’ll capture them all

With your sweet demure!

When they touched you,

Or picked?

They will condemn.

Either they are to complain

Because you’re a rose with thorns,

Or will they rejoice

Because your thorns has a rose.

Cloud

Cloud

070605

glenmore bacarro

I feel too fancy to touch the clouds.

To step and dance upon it’s coolly fogs.

I wonder what's beyond its mallow.

Maybe up in there I can ask its shadow.

Who are you? And why I am here?

Why I am alone and have too much to bear?

Why you’re living freely into this crowded world?

Why you're always in bliss and have the sky to mould?

Maybe I have too much to ask.

Things that seem to be unanswered before.

That even you had a hard time finding out.

How do people fell out of great love?

Maybe you’re deaf or maybe mute?

Why all things turn to nothing and in fused.

Don’t just stare, answer my call!

Tell me White Thing, am I really lost?

Here I am looking up on your beauty.

My body asks if you can take me.

Maybe it’s too lovely to live with you up there.

In your soft mallow there I’ll lie all fair.

Here I am asking, maybe too loud.

Wondering what's beyond your beauty?

Since love died the heaven claimed my soul.

And now I’m waiting for it to claim my body.

faithless

"Faithless is he who says farewell when the road darkens."

-J.R.R. Tolkien
Lord of The Rings

A Vampire's Dream

A Vampire’s Dream

by glenmore bacarro

1215-20’09

Man was created by God.

On his own image He molds.

In wonder you asked.

By fate, who created you?

Poison runs through your veins.

The life and the blood you thirsts.

You were cursed or maybe blessed.

Living for eternity; in darkness without rests

The night hid you within.

Your charm masked the fangs that kill.

An eye that can pierce darkness

Can grasps human’s wickedness.

Why? You asked ironically.

Why human dream of eternity.

If with the short lives they have.

They can’t value love but hate.

Why they dream of pleasure and happiness?

And find it through the alleys of darkness.

Why they can’t see the real beauty?

Below the heaven’s sun, the warmth you envy.

Why they dream to be you?

Cursed with beauty, power and immortality?

But they fear you, that’s why you hide.

Never have they known how much you claim.

Freedom from the darkness

Freedom from your curse

When half of the world were calm.

Sleepless nights where you dream

Believing someday will come.

That together with the one you love.

You’ll watch the sun rises above.

Feel it warms your breaths.

And in your skin it’ll pierce not.


-*-

A Love Story

A Love Story

as remembered by glenmore bacarro
061404

In a place I visited,

I met a guy I loved so well.

He came and showed his love for me.

But now he’s gone and set me free.

A girl sat on his knee,

He told her things he never told me.

I ran home and cried on my bed.

Not even a word to my mother uttered.

My father came home late that night.

He searched for me left to right.

He went upstairs to break my door,

And found me hanging on a rope.

He took a knife and brought me down.

And on my pocket a note he found.

Dig a grave dig it deep,

Marble stones from head to feet,

And on top place a dove,

To show the world

I died for love.

 -*-

note: This poem is not my original. i have read it sometime way back when i was still in HighSchool. The poem above as I have written it as what as I have remembered. 

Once I Lied

Once I Lied

by glenmore bacarro

080406 Friday 2:45am

Sacred Heart Hospital, Malolos Bulacan

I started it all with a joke.

Laughing while saying ‘I Love You’

Kidding while showing I care.

Winking with every stare.

I asked him to marry me.

Or when will he propose.

But still he laughed in symphony.

Believing it’s all but a joke of irony.

Once I lied, once I cried.

Coz every hope in me buffed.

Whenever he laughed at me,

He thought I’m tough and funny.

Whenever I told him ‘I Love You’

He’ll answer me ‘Yeah…I know.’

But damn the hell he knew.

That I’m deadly serious too.

“I Love You” I said.

He laughed.

I said I’m serious.

He coughed.

When will he know?

That I’m truly,

Madly,

In love.

-*-

All The Lasengga Ladies

“All The Lasengga Ladies”
by glenmore bacarro

I was shocked when I opened my Facebook account and saw an edited picture of me tagged from the group page I am active to. I didn’t know how would I suppose to feel. I was slightly annoyed and somewhat felt disrespected. I wondered if I am the only one having this kind of picture. I immediately removed it from my wall and continued my browsing. I looked for my notifications and opened links. I almost fell from my seat when I saw another picture with same edited design but this time it’s with the picture of one of my mates. I laughed out loud. I had had the urge to roll on the floor and laugh till death, but still have the decency not to do so. J! I purposely clicked the picture to satisfy my curiosity and in my delight other same pictures with different faces showed (including mine). This time I’m really hooked up into the humor of these pictures.

One picture was really like a brandy endorser with her lascivious and revealing picture in it. It makes men really want to buy her products (wink!). Another one picture where you can’t help but to smile when you see that the lady in it, the picture in it (thanks to the prank!) with her phenomenal ID like picture centered the designed background. The idea of taking this particular picture (not her profile picture which is supposed to be) tickled my ever jolly mind. I burst into laughter when I imagined one’s reaction when they saw the picture. The next in line is the picture of the woman who’s usually the subject of our vodka session’s jokes. Her picture proved that she is indeed a subject for humor (peace!hehehe). She looks like a proud vendor with her products on display (literally!). Moreover, who doesn’t miss her coyly smile? When she did, she’s the most beautiful and sexiest of them all! Just don’t offer her “kanin” because surely you’re gonna eat with her (nah! forget about dieting!). Next to the last, lets “move on” (ehem!), the lady on her proud nursing uniform had her ‘mona lisa’ smile which gives you the feeling of being annoyed. You can’t tell if she’s really happy with her picture or she really want to bite the ‘pasimuno’ who did all these ridiculous pictures. Finally it’s my turn, my picture that pissed me off a while ago; but this time I smiled and I uttered softly “Gago talaga ‘tong si Alex”.

The tag phrase on each hit me amused as what the pictures did. The tag proudly says “The Lasengga Lady” just below the name of the group “Palit Status Gang”, centered by each picture. Recent memories of us having our ‘sessions’ are enough fool proof for this tag. I laughed and asked myself “So what if we’re branded as ‘lasenggas/lasenggos’?” I closed my eyes and heard the laughters and the sobs we’ve been through every late day ‘inumans’. People may say that we’re irresponsible and waste much money for nothing, but I just want to ask them “Will they can ever make us memories to share for a lifetime? Did they ever know that from every shots of vodka bind us together to share same memories? That with every bottle pilled friendship creates new foundation that can hold us in one home, one family”.

I can’t help but remembering a text message once sent to me by a friend.

“Drinking, they say is the heaven of the weak. We forge a persona that we only have the courage to show when we’re drunk enough. We escape reality even if it would risk our health. But I tell you this, the most honest individuals are those who drink to drown, coz they LOSE their social masks. No pretensions, no limits, NO LIES. That’s NOT weakness, that’s being FEARLESS; and I guess what they can never fathom is that, because of intoxication we become PURE!”

To all Lasenggas and Lasenggos! Bottoms up!

Guess What? (lol :))

“Guess What?”

(The Legend of the Boiled Egg and Peanut)

by glenmore bacarro

Part I / 041610 / loc: R.Papa

I was on my class when a friend sent me a text message asking for my presence on an unplanned after work session (again!). Of course who am I to say no?:) I said I’ll be there as soon as my classes are through. It took me two trains and a tricycle to get there. The one who sent me the text message direction to the exact location of the house played a prank to me that nearly pissed me off. Nevertheless a “new friend” (ehem!) fetched me from the place where I waited.

The session had been halfway when I arrived. “Few attendance.” I thought. There were only four of them and the host (new friend). The ambience already heated up, maybe in relation to the very hot day. Their session actually started two hours after noon!

One thing I was sure of, when the vodka consumed us, we are hard to manage!:) I pity those houses and hosts who extent their hospitality way far beyond one’s limit. I hope all our sorry and laughter somehow eases the disturbance we caused.

After those throat scourging shots we requested for hot soup. One of us went to the kitchen and went back with something in his hands. He is obviously hiding something in his hands. After a moment of curiosity he took a bite from it and gave a guess-what-I’m-holding smile to us. He smiled exaggeratedly that we saw a yellowish stains in his teeth from the “food” he bit. The craving for the hot soup was lost from our curious minds. All of us wanted to get a bite from that mysterious food he’s holding. He let us peek somehow and I accidentally saw the white smooth color of the “food”. I wonder then, how come the yellow stains? Out of the blue he offers a bite to the one on his left. She actually gave a snorting laugh when she saw what was it, and gladly took a bite. My curiosity peaked, I beg for a bite but he didn’t let me, instead he gave the bite to our other friend. She too can’t help laughing when she saw what it is. I was frustrated and somehow annoyed I really can’t help but to asked and this time begging. They all laughed and randomly took a bite to the “food” he’s holding. After seconds of sneaking I figured it out. “Itlog!” It was an Egg!!! Ridiculous! I don’t know what am I supposed to be feeling by that time. I just smiled and again accepting the fact that drunk person usually do unusual things. Boiled duck eggs as pulutan? He offers me a bite but I refused, not that because I don’t want to, it’s just that because I don’t like eggs very much.

After a while the egg thing was lost again on the course of our session. We end up eating instant noodles with boiled egg (this time I ate eggs) and “pumangas ng mangga” after. The host cooked and prepared “lumpiang sariwa” for us. He is a very good cook indeed. After then we decided to have some beers for “banlaw”. We even planned for the next day nature tripping.

We part ways just early for us to get back home not late and safe. Again I took the trains and this time an “fx” going home. While on the cab and having a hard time controlling my stomach not to vomit (nilunok ko pa ata ng palabas na:)) the egg thing suddenly crosses my mind. A smile lined my lips I can’t help but remembering the once one topic we had had. The “Shoelace” thing. Again, to divert my attention from my rumbling stomach, I’d tried to make sense from what had happened.

Let’s talk about the Egg. At first I’m curious on the thing he was holding. When I have had a peak on it my curiosity rises. I really wanted to know what it was. And I even beg for a bite. Frustrations consumed me when he refused giving me a bite. I asked, I begged, I expected something, I hoped for a bite. But when he finally reveals it I was disappointed, I didn’t take the bite.

Let’s talk about Love. At first we’re curious about it. What and how it feels like. When we have had a taste of it our curiosity rises, we wanted more; we even sometimes deny all reasons. We really wanted to know its every essence and how great it was. We beg for it to taste even the slightest sweetness of its promises. Sometimes we’re frustrated when at the long ran of waiting and finding one true love chances deny it to us. We asked, we begged, we prayed for it. We expect and we hope that the love destined for us is ideal. We set our own wants and limits believing that love should be magical. We let reasons aside and set standards for the love we believe is for us. But when love finally reveals itself, when it came knocking on our doors and when we found out that it wasn’t the love we are looking for we were disappointed. We tend to don’t accept it and deny a bite or a taste from it because it wasn’t the love we wanted to have. When it doesn’t reach even half of our standard the ideal we created we tend to close our doors and again wait for the love, the love we had created from our dreams. Have we ever asked ourselves that there is no perfect love?

I was then infront of our house when I’m back to reality. I forgot about my stomach but when I opened the cab door and got off after a while, the urge of nausea overpowered my control. It took me more than a minute to relax myself and stomach while helping myself bending on the sink. When I opened my eyes the mess of my vomit on the sink made me smile…guess what I saw?

Itlog (it-lOg)– n eng.egg, the oval or round body produced by hens/ducks and used as food; also similar body produced by the females of many anumals.

Part II / 041310 / loc: Langaray, Dagat-dagatan

It’s one of my mates birthday. I was on the Hospital for my scheduled completion of IVT cases (I was absent in the school where I am teaching and 2wks “absent without leave” from the institution where I do volunteer works). Before noon, text messages kept on pestering my phone asking where I am and asking what time should I be on the meeting place. About 3pm I was on my way.

I arrived just early enough for the party but some of my mates are already tipsy. Some actually left after a moment, they had appointments and some are simply drunk already. But some visitors are still on their way - visitors of the birthday boy – ‘male’ visitors. ehem!

Laughter and undying pointless talks ruled the moment, well not to mention the river of beers and vodkas plus the choices of pulutans completed the day. Then after a while a peanut vendor pushed his cart towards us. The hot steamed peanuts on his cart called our pulutan-hungry mouth. Then the topic about the ‘peanut’ began.

I ask for forgiveness for the sexual connotation of this topic especialy for the girls, more to the obscenity of some words.

Out of the blue, when the birthday boy asked us who likes peanut, one of my mate answered in a question saying “Dry or wet peanut?” and he smiled naughtily. The question cracked laughters around the table. “It’s a dry peanut, it’s hard to find some wet peanuts here.” One answered. “No!” I exclaimed riding on to the joke. “There are actually too many wet peanuts here.” I continued and ran my glance towards my female mates. It created much more laughter. Then I asked. “Wait, what is the tagalog term for peanut?” this I’m really into this obscene joke. Suddenly nobody answered, then after a moment pause one of us clearly and crisply shouted. “Tinggil.” Some of us burst with laughter. The word really creates uncomfortable yet laughable tone. Because no matter how soft or hard, slow or rapid pace, high or low pitch or tone way of saying the word, still the sense of humor is in there (well for us Filipinos only I think). The humor actually is for close friends only when malice and “bastusan” is not an issue more when all are drank! We were all busy contributing some things about the topic when one of us suddenly fell something… “Ay! Puke!” she exclaimed out of surprised. (expression usually exclaimed by Filipinos when surprised). Another one exclaimed almost in unison with her “Ay! Tinggil!” A stomach aching laughter proceeded.

The expression became the words of the day. No matter how indecent, how obscene and how naughty one thing may get the laughter and the moment created with it will be as beautiful as any cherished memory may be. Talks about these things will soon be forgotten but the friendship created will never last. Laughters may become mute and pictures may fade, when all things change, when distance and chances separates us, when one forget about the other, when old age blurred one’s familiarity with one’s face, when memory denied us the things we’ve been through, when life exhaust there will be this one special moment when we remember things. Even for just a second or a minute maybe, behind every laughters all things will clear, and for this particular moment I am sure of, with this single word, this moment will flash back. Guess what word this should be?

mane/mani (muh-ne’/muh-nee’) – n eng.peanut, highland legumes(?);nutlike edible seed of a plant of the 
                                                   pea family.

                                                -- n inf.clitoris(fil.trans.) a very sensitive part of the female sex organ.

AppleS and OrangeS

Apples and Oranges

050310

by glenmore bacarro

Yesterday was one of my mates birthday. We came to their house late for lunch but too early for the party. I, in particular spent much time in the dinning table, I ate more “ulam” than “kanin” and “pumapak ng sugpo” till I bloat.

The videoke and the beer party started later after I’m done eating. The table outside was set (just along the street; the hell with city ordinance #0397!J!) The ladies made their cocktail drink as we had started our RH session. Generous slices of apples and oranges float on their bowl of sweet mixed juices splashed with vodka.

The party gave our fill for the day and we ended up empty headed and had unbalanced gait. I woke up today with a searing headache, not to mention waking up late in a very hot summer day elevated my symptoms. I took two tablets of pain killer and had my shower. Later, I’m more than fine.

I looked back to what had happened last night, again a moment worth remembering. Familiar faces, friends old and new, forgotten and remembered, new hands clasped for a new beginning. Friends, who are missed, remembering when was the last time been together, warm hugs and kisses showered the moment. It’s as if the long time of longing was just a minute before, for friendship never counts.

They are the apples and oranges on my cocktail bowl. They balance the bitterness of the vodka and keep me going through painful obstacles on my unsure path. They enhance the sweetness within me, never minding if they drown into the depth of my stupidity. They are the slices and pieces afloat that can make me whole whenever the aftertaste of every hasty gulp shattered my reasons and pride. They are my friends and forever they will.

The apples, it is in different shapes and color, some almost round, some are elongated; some are green others are deep red. But no matter what, its distinct characteristic is when you cut it half its shape resembles a heart and the meat is pure, white and clean. Friends have different personality, genuine in their own special way but no matter how different they may be there is this one thing that binds you together, together in pain, in sorrow, in tears, in laughter and in love. They can see the sweetness in you and they can tell when you will be ripe enough to go on your way towards your dream. When you’re sour they are there to accompany you on the cocktail bowl to balance and for the people to know that you’re different from the rest of slices floating on the bowl. People tend to look and seek for your sourness to wash out the bittersweet sting of the splashed vodka. When you’re sweet they tend to give you your special bowl for everyone to pick. That’s how they are, apples that can be pick young and unripe and yet they can mature and ripen within your heart as long as friendship stays, as long as love remains.

Never pick an orange when it’s not ripe because it’ll never ripen, it never will. Oranges, each of its pulp encapsulated its sourness, bitterness or sweetness. You’ll never know what you’ll get because its rinds can deceive you for what sweetness you can see outside does not always housed the sweetness you’re craving for. Sometimes its pulps are dry and hardened by its sourness and bitterness. And sometimes when you’re lucky when its sweetness touch your lips you crave for more but not knowing with this sweetness it hides its sourness, the acid that can destroy one’s appetite. However oranges will always be oranges, many crave for it, seek for it. They are just like friends whom ingenuity outstood every reasons and pride. Its juices cure every wound that can’t be healed by time. It comforts every thirsty heart from the drought of sadness and sorrows. Its bitter rinds can be sweetened just as one’s past can be rebuild a new. It deceives one’s perception of what is true and what is right. It shows the reality of what life should be, that not at all times, sweetness can give us comfort, that in the long run of this life sometimes we had to taste the sourness of every obstacles and the bitterness of pain and failures. Afterall we can’t be the one we are now without the failures of yesterday and we can’t be the one in the future without the pain of today. Remember, what makes the orange sweet is its bitter taste.

In the bowl, floating with the rest, apples and oranges bathed with the sweet mix of juices and vodka. Not for forever we’ll be together because when the bowl got drained and every slice had its fill, all will be gone. Laughters will mute and pictures will fade. Friends come and go but the memories made from this bowl of sweet moments will last if not for forever then at least for a lifetime!

7143 "Goodbye...I Love You"

7143

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by glenmore bacarro

Be sorry not…

For not loving me,

Let no guilt touch you.

For you had been forgiven.

Worry not…

I’ll be okay.

Don’t think I’m hurt.

For you know I won’t cry.

Let me just die inside.

Don’t think…

You gave nothing.

For I know

You’ve done everything.

Remember?

I was the one who asked.

For more than what is enough.

Now…

You’re free.

I let go.

Hands up.

But remember

My love

will never desert you.

Goodbye…

I Love You.










-*-

When to be Proud? (A Dedication)

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When to be Proud?

 by glenmorebacarro

While we’re having lunch one very hot summer noon, we were having our talk or plan for this coming election. A chance for us to have a grand vacation to the province because we were all registered there. We’re still having our lunch when my father took 2 pieces of bananas (lakatan) as ‘panghimagas’. There were four of us so I have to fight for it.J! After a while my father and I had one each. I am still eating what was left on my plate when my father peeled his share. After the first strip he put it back and put it down the table and took my share, peeled it and eats it. I took his share instinctively and open the peeled part, looked at it and I can’t help but to smile when I saw that some part of the banana was rotten. I looked at my father and we both laugh. J!

Then in an instant I had a thought. When I was a child my parents usually give the best part of whatsoever for us, their kids. When we hah had our pizza we always had the biggest part or double slice. When we ate our meal and had fish, they usually give us the body part and the head theirs. We usually had the best clothes than those they wear. And when things get tough they tried to make us feel that there’s nothing to worry. All the best belongs to us, second rates to them. But this time, I have had a sense of responsibility, I am old now, I’m not that kid anymore who demands for what is only the best.

A smile curved my lips when I peeled the fruit completely, removed the rotten part and eat it. This is the sweetest banana I ever taste I thought. Then my mind went over seas. The thought of my mom away from us created a lump on my throat. Then suddenly I remembered. Three days from now it’s her birthday!

When were having our siesta, I can’t get rid the thought out of my mind. Then I took a piece of paper out and a pen and started writing. “Things I made that makes my Mommy Proud” I started. And on the other column I wrote… “Things I made which Mommy can’t be proud of.” It took me a while before deciding to get another piece of paper and wrote the following. “Things my Mommy made that makes me proud.” And “Things my Mommy did that I can’t be proud of.”

At first I decided to fill up the second paper. I was surprised when I almost filled up all the space provided on the second column. I read it again and in an instant I felt the pain and the urge of hatred within me. The “Things my mommy did that I can’t be proud of.” column outnumbered the other. And I still have this urge to write more, tears fell. The frustrations and the pains inside me seared and for once I pitied myself.

It took me overnight to continue my writings. I had had a thought of not finishing it anymore, but finally decided against it. When I was writing “Things I made that makes my Mommy Proud” I felt a sense of increasing ego when I have countless of thoughts and moments to include in the list. Every detailed from the past, every cherished moments I have. There are also those moments that I know she’s proud of me but she’s not with me. I reviewed my list and I was surprised when almost half of my entries are moments I considered great moments but she’s not with me. Moments I know I’ve made her proud but she doesn’t know. Then it struck me…have I ever realized that she too had done things I should be proud of but it’s just that I didn’t know? I stopped, guilt overridden my flaccid mind. My hand became numb and I felt the touched of shame enveloped me.

To punish myself, I started writing for the “Things I made which Mommy can’t be proud of.” I was stupefied. I never thought that I had filled all the space provided yet I’m not yet half through of all the things I’ve done. I never had written those things that I’m too shameful to write. I intended to lessen the evil things I’ve done but with all those little things accumulated, it mounted in a landslide of shame and guilt. I don’t even have the courage to reread my entries; I simply put down my pen and had a heavy breath.

On the night before going to bed I took my completed lists and compared it by column. I smiled when I saw the first entry on my first list. “I made my mommy proud when I dance on the school presentation.”

Opposite it I wrote, “Mommy can’t be proud of me when I came sneaking coins from her purse.” The list extended I can’t even remember why I wrote some of those things. Entry number 8. “I made her proud when I had had my medals and ribbons during recognition days.” – “I can’t make her proud by when I lied.” Below this entry are the times when I lied. I smiled in awe when I saw that the list took much space and again I have more in mind. “I made her proud when I marched on my graduation and took my diploma.” “I made her proud when I passed the board exam.” –  “I can’t make her proud when up to this date I’m jobless.”

I took the second paper and began reading it. “She made me proud when she came on my high school grad.” – “I’m not proud of her, when we came home after my high school grad and had nothing to eat.” This entry made me smile. Too shallow, I wondered why I had written it. Another entry… “She made me proud when she’s one of the prettiest moms on the hall on my College grad.” – “I’m not proud when after the ceremony I can’t find her for a “picture taking” moments with friends.” “She made me proud when she promised me a rubber shoes and a gold ring/necklace as a presents.” – “I’m not proud of her when she forgot about that promise.” I had many on my list. But this time I had an urge to tear the paper because it made me feel how shallow I am, how I value materials than of her presence and love. I’m not even sure if I had written that she made me proud that when I was a child she always gives me her share of food. Have I ever written that she made me proud from those times she went back home from work with a “pasalubong” for me? Have I ever realized how much she made me proud when she kissed me in public when I was a kid? Have she known how proud I am when she cured my bruises and wounds? For the times she scolded my siblings for hurting me? Everytime I went back home crying after every childhood brawls?  I even asked myself, is there ever a time I have told her how much I love her, and how proud I am for having her?

I made her proud when she carries me on her womb for nine months. And I know how proud she is for having me as her son. My first cry was my first thank you. I’m proud to be her son!

My mother, for much time I hated her. She raised me with fears to them but she never let me live in fears.  There are things that are beyond what I thought was ideal. When reasons and lies collided with my confused mind, I tend to believe what my young mind knew was right. Until then when reason presented itself and showed that not every ideal was supposed to be right. There are things beyond one man’s understanding and the only relief is acceptance.

My mother, she’s not perfect. She’s not the mother all child want to have, but still the best mom for me; and I gladly take every chance just to be his son if I were to be born again. People may say anything they want, they may remove her right to be a woman but they can never take her right to be a mother. They may all believe on the curses of sins, but I still believe on the power of forgiveness. She’s not a superwoman, no saint but a sinner likes us. She’s just she, human with flaws. What makes her special is that she is a woman and she is a mother.

Today is her birthday!

“Mom, have I told you yet today how much I Love You?”