Questions (A Confession)

Questions

by glenmore bacarro

dedicated to Ry-ann Cortea and Jo-ann Tengson

The warmth of the summer morning woke me up early than my usual waking up habit. I took my toothbrush and brushed my teeth with a heavy heart, washed my face disappointed by the warm water for it did not fully wake me up. I made my coffee and intended to increase my usual morning dose. I tuned the fm radio, took the morning paper and began reading as I settled myself on the couch. 

I advanced to my favorite page, the entertainment pages. The news somewhat lifted me up from my half wake state. As I go on into the pages while sipping my bitter beverage my mood hoisted. It took me ten minutes to satisfy my “showbiz-curious” mind before flipping the pages to my next favorite column. I found the feature and readied myself for “what-will-be-my-comment-for-today” type of reading. I read the first line then I paused for my eyes caught a quoted line within the column. 


The line said, “He that is not jealous is not in love.” 


I stared at the line for a time, and then my lips curved a knowing smile. I just remembered instinctively what had happened last night. When I had had time talking to the two lovers having their troubled affairs (online).

I put down the newspaper and took my laptop and began typing, coincidentally, the radio played a song by a local band ft with a known rap artist entitled “kasalanan”. I smiled and then continued my typing.

Love, trust, loyalty and faith to one’s partner keep the passion in the relationship burning. Insecurities, jealousy, possessiveness and too much of everything can fuel hatred that can freeze the heart. 


But “One who is not jealous is not in love?” then again I had to ask myself “What is the standard of being in love? When can you say that love is enough and when to say you need more? When to say you had had enough and you need space to breathe? When to hold tight and when to let go?” or above all, “When to say you don’t love him/her anymore?” and to satisfy my confused mind again I asked, “Does love really die? If it’s so, is it in a natural death? Or one can actually kill this feeling to make the heart go cold?” 

“What is the standard of being inlove?” This is a subjective type of question, one answer differs with the others but all are right. It depends on one’s idea of being inlove. Each of us has our own standards when it comes to love. We claim for the ideal not knowing that not all ideal are supposed to be right. We set limits not knowing all limits had their own limitations. We create our own love in a blissful perfection not knowing that it’s living in fantasy beyond reason and reality. 


I remember him saying last night, “She’s not the one I used to know before; she changed a lot.” 
I fight against my mind on cursing him, “How dare him!” How pathetic one can blame others for the things he’s not even sure was right. Had he ever realized that when he accepted her to be his girlfriend he had had his responsibility to keep things as they are and to challenge changes when it comes? 
People don’t change, understanding do. When one’s mind was corrupted with guilt and unreasoned jealousy, his views changed. One must always remember “a stone will always be a stone, but a hand which touches it will never be the same hand forever.” 
Instead of saying “She’s not the one I used to know; she changed a lot.” Why he didn’t try asking himself “Why I saw her differently now than before?” in this way he can surely find an answer within himself. And if he did, his standards will surely crash. 



“When to say that love is enough and when to say you need more? When to say you had had enough and you need space to breathe?” 
Humans were made without satisfaction. We always hope and pray for something we considered best, sometimes even bargaining everything we have just for this single thing or moment were dying to have. We always look forward to it and it keeps us trying to go on for this endless path of life. 


Alas! Endless path of life, tireless and infinite; the simple fact we forgot or we tend to forget. We keep on denying ourselves that in the long run of our course when we had had what we wished to have for; we tend to ask for more when we saw that the path ahead of us still has an eternity. 


We live in no satisfaction, we always ask for more. The thing we bargained for when we had it is of no importance than on what more we want. The sad thing is, most of us deny it, we deny that we’re disappointed and we ask for more, we deny that sometimes denying sounds so real that we end up believing it. And when these reasons we denied, mounted into a landslide of guilt and shame, we tend to find ways for an escape. We leave our reality and we began creating our own world for us to breathe, a world incomparable to the one we left. Not knowing that what we had created is a limbo, an unfathomable prison made within ourselves. 


Her words reverberated in my ears, “We’ve been through this a million times, I have had enough, I need time to think, and I need space. He never trusted me, I love him very much before but for now I’m not even sure…I’m confused.” 


If I’m in front of her by that time she may had seen my strong opposition expression from what she said. How selfish she is, how sure she is that it was him who never had his lesson learned from that million times they’ve been through? 


What is she consider enough if in the first place she never accepted what he had offered? If in the million times she never actually listened to him? Space can never be an escape because it is void and expand into nothingness. It can steal one’s feeling and it’ll take an eternity to find it when you want it back. It’s selfish to ask for it, for your distancing yourself for good without explanation. 


How in the world she can say that he didn't trust her and didn’t realized the fact that in the moment she’s saying that, she had lose her trust to him? For you can’t say that one didn't trust you if in the first place you had trust in him that he will never do such thing. 


It pained me more when she said her last words, how shallow is a love that gets confused? Love can never get confused because it doesn't have a mind to reason out. The affection felt can never be tampered by itself, guilt and insecurities can stain its sincerity but strengthens it when one hugged forgiveness and acceptance. 


Why not say, “I can forgive him a million times because I have enough love for him. And I think he surely do the same. We must create a space together a world for us to grow. I love him very much before but not as much as the love I will be feeling with him on the future. I am confused because I can’t find the word how to say how much I love him.” I dare her to say these words to him and surely they realize how lucky they both are.



“When will to hold tight and when to let go? When to say you don’t love him/her anymore?” 
Have we ever asked ourselves what are the reasons why we’re still holding on and or why we’re letting go? Perhaps yes, but have we ever found even just a single plausible answer? Perhaps yes, but can this answer worth everything that we’re ready to give up? Again perhaps it’s a yes, but one thing is definitely true no matter what, either way, the pain is real and it leaves us broken. 


But have you ever tasted the bitter sweet of these moments? Because for every ‘holding-on’ there’s hope and sometimes hopes become dreams of reality; for every ‘letting-go’ there’s freedom from pain and pains are nothing but temporary. Sometimes when we don’t let love rule over our confused heart we tend to make decisions that we usually regret at the end. And as reckless as we had been we end up breaking our own heart and sometimes changing us into a cold and selfish monster that it takes another lifetime to recreate. It makes us live in sorrow and incapable of loving even our own selves. 

We can say that we don’t love our partners anymore when we stopped believing that we’re not complete anymore; when we’re lacking something that once was ours. Because the moment we accepted our partner he/she had filled the emptiness we have. Either he/she lost his/her part, or you unconsciously withdrew the part you had given. 


Mistakes and wrongs we’ve done are part of every relationship. Forgiveness is another thing. It’s hard to forgive just as hard as to ask for forgiveness, but in every relationship love can outweigh every hatred and guilt. You may never forgive him/her for doing the vilest thing but within your heart the love once shared will always be the same. You can shout to the world that you don’t love him/her anymore but when the façade of silence greeted you the emptiness and longing for that love shouts louder. There are choices to make and chances to take and the best thing do is not to make or take it alone. It should be mutual, afterall both parties created the foundation and to break it shattered with bitterness is far more complicated than to let it stand still if not for the future then at least for the past to finally had its home. 
Moreover, it’s still nice to reminisce the pain of the past with a smile curved on the lips. 

I remember her asking, “Do I need to let him go?” and him telling me “I love her very much and I’m afraid of losing her.” This time I want to ask the same question to them, to her “Does your heart feels like you need to let him go?” and to him “Have your heart feels like you’re losing her for real?” Sometimes the hardest questions are those with the simplest answers. 


“Does love really dies? If it’s so, is it in a natural death? Or one can actually kill this feeling to make the heart go cold?” 
I once asked a friend of mine who’s having a hard breakup with her boyfriend to do a simple exercise I devised. 
She’s filled with bitterness and vow to never love again. Her heart beats her hatred to love. She can’t move on because the ghost of her past keeps on haunting her. She pitied herself for giving too much and left nothing for herself. That the love she gave were wasted and never appreciated. She felt that it was her who left hanging and lost from the battle she thought she fought with. 


With her tears welled, I asked her to get a piece of paper and a pen. I asked her to write every happy memory she had with her boyfriend, I asked her to write every detail no matter how painful it gets. I know it’s an agonizing punishment to do such things. 
Then after I asked her to read all the things she wrote, at first she did but the pain is just too much for her, she end up crying almost in hysteria. 


After she calmed, I asked her to look at the paper and said to her, “From all those times do you think he never appreciated you? Do you think he never loved you? How does the sweetness you’ve been turned to bitterness right now? Tell me now; do you think he never gave you his all?” She looked at me confused. I continued “Can you pick at least one of those memories where you once said into yourself that you have everything, that you’re the richest girl in the world for having him, that you’re willing to bargain and give up everything just for that moment to last forever?” she looked at me this time I saw a bitter smile and said “…all of them”. 
I smiled and said “Never ever said that he never loved you or never appreciated you.” I continued. “He did, and he will never forget you because he played a part of you and you a part of him. It’s just that love didn’t work between the two of you. Fine, he hurt you, he broke you into pieces but that’s the way it should be. All of what of you should be broken so that you can create a new you for the next love to find. Never pick your broken pieces and mold it again as whole because no other love can polish it again for you. Every crease of those broken pieces made whole holds memories that belongs to the past – you can never move on. You can’t give your all for the new love to nurture within your heart if from the very start you started with the broken products of your past. That’s the reason why break ups are painful, everything is broken and we can do nothing out of those but serve just as memories to cherish and lessons to learn. You should create again a new you… unstained, polished, whole and perfect for the new love to find.”

We split up knowing that still she has a heavy heart. After a couple of weeks she called me with a lifted heart. We talked till she cries again but this time the bitterness was gone. She told me one of the sweetest line I ever heard “I do still love him…but I want him no more.” She smiled then I answered her “You’re whole again.” 


I smiled as I remember these things, Love therefore never dies. It may gone cold but still the presence of it linger till one’s heart stops beating. No one can ever kill one’s love just as sure as that no one can ever live without love. 

Before I end up my typing, I just want to ask this couple to do the same thing. I want them to write every memory they’d shared but this time after, I want them to compare and ask themselves “Have I ever loved you?” Then perhaps all worries on their relationship will fade and trust will build a foundation that no one can break. Trust is one of the best guards of a relationship it keeps the passion to never lose its heat. With trust honesty will surface, loyalty will strengthen and love will keep on burning.

With all the questions I laid, I may have answered it maybe in denial and lies but one thing I want every reader to know. “My heart speaks and sometimes hearts do lie but every lie a heart made can be an excuse for guilt to be cleanse, for truth to be noticed, for love to grow.” 






gb!

Love Sick (A Sentiment)

Love Sick

by glenmore bacarro

A friend sent me a text message…

            “…no one in this world is single…each of us are only on different levels of being taken. Some of us are happily taken and some are happily being taken for granted.”

I laughed at first, and then it struck me hard after a while, a straight blow that I began feeling a lump in my throat. An old pain seared inside my chest.

People always say that love will find its way through our hearts. We deny the possibilities that love may also be lost along its way towards our own doors. We are in fact afraid of being alone; being unloved but we deny it. We deny that we are afraid. That in the long run of denying we end up believing what we choose to believe-and at most it doesn’t work, because there are those people who are denying what we choose to believe and believing what we tend to deny. And when it hit us, we felt lost, we got angry, we thought that they had tricked us and they had taken us for granted.

We always sayt that we know how to love. We laugh, we dance and we spread our arms saying that we are in love this much. We can paint the town red, go against the flow and tire ourselves by showing how happy we are. But after all those things we’ve done, after all the “lives” had taken our strengths, when we are alone in our own solitary room, when the darkness and the coolness of the night creep inside our hearts we felt how hollow, how empty our hearts had been. How in much time we had been left and hurt. We let all those bitterness we’ve been trying to hide to overcome us. For a bit of a second we let the tinges of grudges and fears to eat our hearts then we begin hating the people who hurt us and end up hating the life they had made for us and eventually and perhaps the most destructive of all-we end up hating ourselves. Some go beyond the line…killing themselves.

We are inlove to the idea of love. Each of us has their own fairy tale; own fantasies which poisoned every rational reason our mind can ever perceives. We have our own world where we painted love on its every corner, the world of perfections, of happiness and of ever afters. But it is in this world where we set conditions, where the love we’ve been dreaming are made upon our own conditions, own likes, own wants, beyond limits and even beyond perfections. Love without flaws. Love out of reach. And when love knocks unto our doors, to our own disappointments it’s not the love we’ve been looking for, not knowing that love is no perfect. Love is just simply painfully true. And the drawback is, with this love we’ve made, though it keeps our hearts burn with hope, somehow we knew deep within us that we are in near desperation.

There are those loves that simply can’t be given a chance. Love that had been forbidden, love that had been defied by chance and by time, love that had been tabooed by races and sex. With these, we tend to bargain love even to the simplest just for it to be given a chance. We simplify complex twists of love and learned to give great value even to the slightest deed that had been done to us by the object of our affection. Sometimes we even equated simple gestures to love, and cherish every moment, chance may have nicked for us. We hope for things that are next to impossibilities and we are ready to give up everything just for the little spark of love we hope to have. We tend to promise that we’ll handle love with so much care if it can only be ours to have. We embraced and be contented with what chances can only offer to us. Even by any laws…we deserve more!

The Final Dance

The Final Dance

by glenmore bacarro

February 14; JS prom night.

The place was now crowded with excited Juniors and Seniors on their spectacular dresses. The hall was delicately decorated with gleaming crimson colors. Flowers were scattered on every corner. Every table arrangements were beaded with glasses and wines; candles and cards are messed above the bloody mantel. Love is in the air.

A senior student felt his heartbeat screaming in his chest as he slowly approach his designated place for the planed event. Tonight is very special. For the first time on his wildest dream he had his chance for the woman for long he had loved.

Her name is Jenny. He saw her sitting and in a conversation with her friends. Her hair was set, a light make up good for the night. An elegant dress highlighted by a small pouch bag she held. Those hands, her lips everything about her make him nervous.

He started with. “Jenny…dance with me.” The night goes on as planed, they dance tirelessly, drink and somehow get drunk. But he found no strength to confess. The love he had for her kept hidden within his smiles and stares.

February 17; Classes resumed

Still he is her greatest fan. He stalks at her whenever she goes, but trembled and became speechless whenever she talks to him. Perhaps he can never confess. He doesn’t have the guts and the courage to say the love he had for her.

Without him knowing, she is just waiting.

March 25; Graduation Day

Days from now they will part ways. She will be going to take her studies at the city. As for him he is still undecided for to finance his college is a problem.

Thinking about these possibilities made him sick. He fears that she will be gone from him forever. A thought he can hardly accept.

April; Summer time

They were just living in the same alley. Everyday he found time to have a glimpse of her. His romance grew much than it was before.

Days went fast. She decided something that will change her life forever.

May 27; morning

He walked passed her house again. He is with his friends. They teased him when he obviously glanced towards her house and disappointment showed on his face when he didn’t saw her.

They had passed her house when at the next alley, Jenny is walking towards them. He tried to hide himself but it was too late.

“Where are you going?” She greeted.

“Obviously we’re going to play basketball…” One of his friends answered.

She looked at him and smiled. She caught his eyes as he tried to hide himself at his friend’s back. He almost leap in joy, he shyly smiled back.

“How are you?” she said to him.

He is about to answer with his trembling voice when one of his friends interrupts.

“Actually we were talking about you. He…” He pointed at him. “…is actually planning to visit you if not tonight then at least one of these days.”

“Perhaps to court you,...finally!” His other friend added.

“Sure! What about tonight? You all can come too if you want.” She said. She smiled at him and walked pass them. “I have to go…see you tonight.”

In a distance she turns her head and found out that he is looking at her.

“I’ll wait.” She whispers. He smiled shyly.

May 27; night

“You’re early.” She greeted him at the door.

He blushed and smiled.

“Are you alone? Where are your friends?”

He just bowed his head and did not utter any word.

She guided him in.

Time passed. They talked but at most only Jenny did the talking. She wonders why he is so shy with her. In school he’s one of those who are always in trouble. If she’s not mistaken he had been into the guidance office for many times.

Nevertheless she enjoyed their time together.

“It’s getting late.” She said after a while.

He stands, quite embarrassed. “I’m sorry. Hmm…I must go.” He said.

She guided him towards the door.

Before he walks out he turned and said with all the courage he had.

“Can I come again sometimes?” he blushed.

She smiled. “Sure…You can come here on May 31, mother will be here. And…” she looks at him directly in his eyes “…and by then I might answer your courting.” She said smiling.

Awestruck! He trembled and took away his eyes from her. He bowed his head and said. “I’m sorry…I-…i…” he stuttered.

“Hush. Don’t be.” She said and smiled. “You must go. It’s getting late.”

“Thank you.” He said and he slowly walks away. His heart is celebrating.

She turns towards the house when she notices something behind the door plant. She took it and smiles. A long stemmed rose with a box of chocolates. She reads the card.

“I love you Jenny.”

She kissed the flower and whispered in the darkness. “I love you too.”

May 28; afternoon

He came home with a tearing head pain. His mother thought it was just because he was caught by the rain on his way home from his basketball game. She thought it was just a common flu. She self medicate him. But the pain progresses and he was rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night.

May 29; morning

Jenny heard what had happened to him but was assured by his friend that it was just nothing. They didn’t want him to worry. They even teased him by saying that he’s just overly excited for the date she set. That he is actually not sick but he is preparing for May 31.

His sickness rapidly progress within the day. Sleep denies him. The pain kept holding his sanity. He at once shouted her name and convulsed with the thought of not being there on their rendezvous. When he is calm, when the pain leaves him he talks about his plans. How he will be going to confess his feelings with Jenny and how he wanted his friends to be there to witness the love for long he had kept.

All these things were unknown to Jenny.

May 30; night

He woke up with a smile in his calm face. The pain was not there to spoil the feelings he has. He stared at his sister who’s sleeping beside his bed. He lifted his weak arm and gently strokes his sister’s hair.

“Jenny…” he said in a harsh voice. He is smiling, gliding and stroking his hand in love on his sister’s head. She woke up feeling his hand at the back of his head. She smiled at her younger brother as she fights the tears that began to line in

her eyes.

“Yes?” she swallowed hard. “…how are you feeling brother?”

“Jen-nny…I can’t wait for tomorrow.” He said staring hard on his sister.

His sister bit her lower lip and said after a while. “Don’t worry brother; tomorrow…we’ll come to Jenny. She’s waiting for you. S-she had prepared something for you.”

He looked at her again. Then he smile.

“Jenny…I want to stand. Help me.” He tried to raise his head up and surprisingly he did without the help of his sister. He took his legs down the bed and with all his strength he tried to stand.

His sister supported him. When he was standing, he held his sister’s hands wrapped it into his neck and he at once hugs her tight.

“Jenny…dance with me.” He begins to move his body, swaying gracefully, with great care to his partner.

His sister closed her eyes for tears are gently falling down her cheeks. She goes with the rhythm of her brother’s heartbeats. They dance only with his heartbeats as the music. He mumbled her name as he tastes the sweetness of this dance.

May 31; the clock strikes twelve

The hall was now crowded, the dance floor with the unfading lights; dancing…pair of two souls hiding the love they’d kept for so long. The hall was decorated with flowers. Love is in the air. Wines rivered down the times that had been wasted, it gives sense of euphoria to the lost soul of a loving heart. They dance again…swaying…gliding with the rhythm of a sweet old music.

He was tired. The time had come. Tomorrow when the sun glows from the east he will come to fulfill his promise. And he will hear the sweetest answer a heart ever wanted.

She waited. Tomorrow she knew he will come. As the dawn breaks she will wait at him with his friends. The cool summer breeze of May 31st warmth her cheeks as she was in a deep slumber. Beside her, the only remembrance she has. The dance she had with him on that one last lovely night.

end 

Beautiful Andrew Part V of V

Beautiful Andrew

by glenmore bacarro

----

You were just the dream that I once knew

I never thought I would be right for you…

I just can’t compare you with

Anything in this world…

Habang naglalakad sya papalapit sa nurse station ng umagang iyon ay dinig niya ang kantang pumapainlang sa paligid galing sa FM Radio na nakagawian nang pinapakinggan ng mga nurse sa 2nd floor station, napangiti siya at naalala niya si Carl.

Ang mga ngiti nito, mga halakhak na animoy pagaari niya ang mundo. Ang paraan nito ng pagsasalita lalung lalo na pag binibigkas nito ang Beautiful Andrew at hindi niya makalimutan ang napakaseryosong mukha nito ng minsang napagusapan nila ang paborito nitong halaman sa rooftop, “Shouldn’t that would be the other way around? That the fate of the stone depends on the plant, remember…. your roots hold me.”

Napangiti siya ng maalala niya ang kanilang nakaraan, ang pagibig na pinagsaluhan nila sa tuktok ng hospital kung saan siya naroroon ngayon.

…as endless as forever

you’re all I need to be with

forevermore….

Ilang minuto din siyang nakatayo at ninanamnam ang kanta sa FM Radio kaalinsabay ng mga alaala niya kay Carl, bago siya napansin ni Arlene, ang nurse na malapit kay Nel.

“Sir Andrew an gaga niyo naman ata, hinahanap niyo ba si Nel?” tanong nito sa kanya.

Tumango lamang siya bilang tugon, bahagya siyang nainis dahil pinutol siya nito sa kanyang pangangarap panaginip.

“Nandito na siya, kagabi pa…dumating siya bago ako mag out, sabi ni Leo hindi pa raw sya umuuwi dahil nakita niya kanina na bumaba galing dyan sa taas” sabay nguso na ang tinutukoy ay ang rooftop.

“Nasaan siya ngayon?” tanong niya.

“Hindi ako sigurado, pero baka nandyan sya sa kwarto ni Sir Carl” kumabog ang dibdib niya pagkarinig palang sa pangalan ni Carl. Aalis na lamang sya upang puntahan ang kwarto sa dulo ng 2nd floor ng nagtanong si Arlene.

“Sir Andrew, n-nagaway ba kayo ni Nel? O..o nagaway ba sila ni Sir Carl, dumating kasi siya dito at dumiretcho sa taas kagabi na mugto ang mga mata at halatang pagod na pagod…a-akala ko nga papasok siya para sa duty, pero tila wala sa sariling hindi pa ako pinansin.” nagtatakang tanong ni Arlene,

“Pinabayaan ko na lamang sya, siguro pagod lang talaga…at si sir Carl nga po pala, may balita ka sa kanya? Matagal ko na siyang di nakikitang kasama mo o ni Nel?” mahabang pagpapatuloy ni Arlene.

Nagkibit balikat na lamang si Andrew at bahagyang nagalala sa mga tinuran ni Arlene, “ano kaya ang problema ni Nel, problema kaya sa relasyon nila ni Carl” tanong niya sa sarili, at mula sa kawalan ay tila narinig niyang muli ang mga salita nito kamakailan “magpaparaya ako…” lihim na nabuhayan siya ng pagasa.  “alam na kaya nito na lubusan na siyang magaling, kung kayat tinupad lang nito ang pangakong pag-ibig sa pagitan nila ni Carl?” ayaw magpaawat ng kanyang puso sa mga bagay na kanyang inaasam asam, napamura siya at lihim na pinagalitan ang sarili.

Kakatok pa sana siya ngunit napansin niyang bahagyang nakabukas ang pinto, tahimik na pumasok siya at sinalubong siya ng madilim na silid, mag aalas nuebe na ng umaga ngunit nakasara ang mga bintana at ang makakapal na kortina ay nakatabing dito, ang tanging ilaw lamang sa paligid ay ang bughaw na liwanag na nanggagaling sa naka stand-by na tv sa video mode.

Sa kama ay ang nakaupong si Nel, mula sa makulimlim na liwanag ng tv ay nababanaag niya ang mga matang mugto at ang walang kaparis na kalungkutan.

Binuksan niya ang ilaw, at bahagya siyang nagulat sa kanyang nakita, pinagmasdan niya si Nel, magulo ang buhok nito at hindi nakaahit ng ilang araw dahil sa mahahaba na nitong buhok sa mukha, pati ang pag ligo ay tila nakalimutan na nito puno ng tuyong putik ang mga kamay nito maging ang dilaw na damit ay nanililimahid, humpak ang mga pisngi at ang kapaguran ay nakikita sa mga nangingitim nitong ilalim ng mata, at ang kanayang mga mata… puno ng paghihirap at pangungulila.

Lalapitan na sana niya si Nel ng lingunin siya nito, nagtama ang kanilang mga mata at walang anu ano’y dumaloy ang luha sa mga mata nito.

“He loves you…m-more than anyone else,” mahina ang boses na humikbi ito “I’m sorry for everything Andrew, I want you to know that Carl never ceased to love you”

“A-anong…?” naguguluhang tanong ni Andrew, ngunit may kung anong bikig na ang bumamabara sa kanyang lalamunan at ang tila sasabog na niyang dibdib.

“H-he’s gone, Andrew…Carl’s gone” halos pabulong na sagot ni Nel.

Chapter 11

“H-he’s gone, Andrew…Carl’s gone” halos pabulong na sagot ni Nel.

Nakakabingi ang kabog ng kanyang dibdib, alam niyang hindi nagsisinungaling si Nel, ayaw tanggapin ng kanyang isipan ang narinig, para siyang tuod na nakatayo at nakatitig lamang kay Nel, sari saring emosyon ang gustong kumawala ngunit alam niyang sa isang salita lamang niya ay tuluyan siyang gagapiin kanyang emosyon.

Hindi rin niya napigilan ang sunod sunod na pagpatak ng kanyang mga luha, “H-ho..how? pa-panong…?” garalgal na boses, nagmamakaawa ang kanyang mga mata upang sabihin sa kanya ni Nel na nagbibiro lamang ito. ngunit nanlulumong napayuko lamang si Nel dahil hindi niya kayang makita ang paghihirap ni Andrew.

“L-like you, he had been diagnosed to have a c-cancer… a tumor in his brain” panimula ni Nel, gayung hirap na hirap ito sa kanyang emosyon,

“…kinukundisyon lamang niya ang katawan para sa operasyon niya,” nilingon siya ni Nel at pag kuway sumilay ang mapait na ngiti sa kanyang mga labi “remember the day when you first met him?” tanong nito.

Napapikit si Andrew sa alaalang iyon.

“He’s supposed to meet Dr. De la Cruz, para sabihing handa na siya sa operasyon…but,” muli ay sumilay ang mapait na ngiti “but he met you,” nababanaag sa mga mata ni Nel ang pait at pagsisisi, “he said he loved you at the very first time he laid his eyes on you, at the very moment he called youBeautiful Andrew” sandaling tumahimik si Nel, tanging mga hikbi na hindi niya mapigilan ang pumapailanlang sa katahimikan ng silid.

Nakagat ni Andrew ang pangibabang labi upang pigilan ang paghagulgol, ngayon ay malinaw na sa kanya kung bakit pinutol ni Carl ang sanay buong pagpapakilala sa kanya ni Nel, ayaw nitong malaman niya ang kanyang sakit. “Beautiful Andrew” sariwa parin sa kanya ang mga alaalang yon.

“But why?...bakit hindi niya itinuloy ang operasyon?” tanong ni Andrew, na para bang tinatanong niya ang sarili, dahil bukod kay Carl ay alam niyang siya mismo ang mas higit na nakakaalam sa pakiramdam ng kawalan ng pag asa…pag asa, natigilan siya dahil alam niyang kung inihahanda lang si Carl ay may tyansa itong magapi ang sakit nito.

Ang sagot sa kanyang tanong sa sarili ay nasumpungan niya sa mga sumunod na salita ni Nel.

“Wala kaming relasyon ni Carl bukod sa magkaibigan,” pinunasan nito ang basang pisngi, “bukod sa kanya ay ako at si Dr. De la Cruz lang ang nakakaalam ng kanyang sakit, ako na kanyang kaibigan at private nurse at si doc na matalik na kaibigan ng kanyang ama”  dagling tumatag ang boses ni Nel habang inilalantad niya ang katotohanan tungkol sa kanila ni Carl.

“when he met you, he suddenly called off the operation…”

“Why?” putol ni Andrew.

“Because of you, Andrew!” matigas ang salitang bigkas ni Nel, “because he fell in love with you, because he doesn’t want to forget you, he doesn’t want his memory of you to be lost forever…” humina ang boses niya at gumaralgal muli “the operation can take out part of his memory, maaring mawala ang mga alaala niya kapag naoperahan siya, and perhaps his eye sight too.” rebelasyon ni Nel.

Napamaang si Andrew, hungkag ang pakiramdam niya, hindi siya makapaniwala sa mga narinig.

“Ilang bese ko siyang pinagsabihan, ilang beses kong sinubok na sabihin sayo, na ipagtapat sayo…because I knew, from that day minahal mo na rin siya. Andrew, forgive me but that’s what he wanted, ayaw niyang ipaalam sayo..d-dahil ayaw ka niyang masaktan, ayaw niyang mawalan ka pag asa upang lumaban sa sakit mo.”

Pilit inaalala ni Andrew ang mga sandaling nahuhuli niyang nagtatalo sina Carl at Nel, maging ang huling komprontasyon nila noong Christmas party nila.

“I’ve done my part, Andrew…now its your turn to do yours,” mula sa kanyang bulsa ay may inilabas itong putting sobre at iniabot sa kanya, “pareho nating minahal si Carl, magkaiba lang tayo ng pamantayan, ako bilang kaibigan at ikaw bilang umiibig…”

Pinihit ng mga maputik na kamay ni Nel ang door knob at humakbang palabas, ngunit bago ito tuluyang nakalabas ay lumingon itong muli kay Andrew at garalgal na tinig ay nagiwan ito ng mga salita na alam niyang galing mismo kay Carl.

“Andrew, when the stone falls…it doesn’t mean that the flower will fall too.” Isinara niya ang pinto at naiwang mag isa si Andrew sa kwartong iyon.

Pinindot ni Andrew ang play botton sa video cam na nakakabit sa tv, wala na si Nel at mula sa binigay nitong sobre ay ang video tape. Bago pa man pumailanlang ang boses ni Carl ay hilam na ng luha si Andrew habang nakatitig sa mukha ng taong minahal at minamahal niya sa screen.

Mula sa screen ay si Carl, kapansin pansin ang humpak ng kanyang mga pisngi, wala na ang dating buhay sa kanyang mga mata bagkus ay napalitan ng paghihirap at lungkot. Halatang hirap na hirap ito sa simpleng pagupo lamang at ang panginginig ng kanyang mga kamay ay sinusubukan nitong itago sa camera. Nang maayos na ito sa pagkakaupo mula sa kanyang kama ay tumitig ito sa camera at sa paos na boses na tila ba hindi kanya ay nagsalita ito.

“A-Andrew, Beautiful… Andrew.” panimula nito, sa pagkarinig nuon ay napasinghap at yumugyog ang balikat ni Andrew sa walang kapantay na sakit na nararamdaman.

“…before I start, I want you first to forgive me.” Tumigil ito saglit at tinitigan ang camera, na animoy tumatagos sa screen. “…forgive me for lying, forgive me for not showing you how much I love you.”pumatak ang unang luha sa kanyang mga mata, sa nanginginig na kamay ay pinunasan niya agad ito.

Nananatiling natitig si Andrew sa screen, gusto niyang yakapin ito ngunit alam niyang hindi na niya kahit kailanman mararamdaman ang init ng mga yakap nito.

“kapag napanood mo ito ay alam kong magaling kana, I asked Nel to give it to you when you’re free from your illness, even if I die first.” Alam niyang hindi ito sinunod ni Nel dahil hindi pa nito alam na magaling na siya.

“Andrew, hindi ko man nasabi sayo pero mahal na mahal kita…it’s ironic right na ayaw kong magpaopera pero ipinipilit ko sayo na gawin mo ito” pagak siyang natawa “life is beautiful, ngunit mas nanaisin ko pang mamatay na kasama ang mga alaala mo sa aking isipan… mga alaalang alam kong hindi ko kilanman pagsisihan…your face Andrew,” inabot ng kanyang kamay ang lens ng kamera, pinadaan niya ang mga nanginginig na daliri sa kabuuan nito, napapikit si Andrew, tila ba nararamdaman niya ang pagguhit ng mga maiinit na daliri ni Carl sa kanyang mukha tulad ng lagi nito ginagawa sa tuwing binibigkas niya ang Beautiful Andrew…nagpatuloy ito makalipas ang ilang saglit.

 “your beautiful face, how can I let them operate me and soon will forget the way you look? Everything about you, every single memory we’ve shared. They are not sure na babalik pa ang mga ito, papaano kung kapalit ng paggaling ko ay hindi ko na makikita ang iyong mukha at hindi ko na maalala na nakilala kita, maaring makalimutan ko rin na mahal kita at iyon ang hindi ko kayang ipagsapalaran..

Mas nanaisin kong mamatay kasama ang iyong mga alaala at mamatay na minamahal kita than to live yet we’re strangers towards each other…” ngumiti ito ng may kahalong pait.

“Remember the night of our Christmas Party, the night after you sung your song? If you could just know how how happy I am when you announced that youre going to do the operation…kung alam mo lang kung gaano ang pagnanais kong hagkan ng mga oras na iyon, but… but you broke your promise there and then… I don’t want you to love me Andrew, yes I am selfish… but I want you to continue life as beautiful as who you are…” huminto sandali si Carl at hinabol niya ang paghinga, hirap na hirap ito kahit sa simpleng pagpapakita lang ng emosyong hindi niya mapigilan.

“Nel asked me to reveal our secrets to you, but I’m afraid you’ll let yourself die too…” tila may kung anong inalala si Carl “remember when you equated me to that stone where that plant grow?” wala sa sariling napatango si Andrew bilang kasagutan sa tanong nito “it was then I knew that you love me, and that you’ll die too when that stone falls…but Andrew, when the stone falls, the flower wont have to die. Ipagpatuloy mo ang mabuhay at tuparin mo ang pangako mo sa akin…”

“When I saw you kissing that guy in ‘your’ room…” saglit na natigilan si Andrew, lingid sa kanya ay nakita pala ni Carl ang tagpong iyon. “I fallowed you there to tell you the truth, but when I saw you kissing him… when I saw you kissing him, it dawned on me that I can’t give you everything you want because I’m dying. Doon ko napagisip isip na may mas higit pang darating sa buhay mo, higit sa anumang kaya kong ibigay, na makaksama mo hanggang sa pagtanda… the thing that even in dream ay hindi ko maibibigay sayo… kaya ako lumayo, habang kaya ko pa.” hindi na mapigil ni Carl ang mga luhang kanina pa niya pinipigilan “habang kaya ko pa, habang sariwa pa sa alaala ko ang mga bagay na nagpapatunay na hindi kita mapapaligaya, habang napipigilan ko pa ang sarili ko upang hindi sabihin sayo ang totoo.”

“Andrew… Beautiful Andrew, ipagpatuloy mo ang buhay…para sa akin, para sa atin.”

Ilang saglit pa ay blangko na ang screen ng tv, hilam ng mag luhang nakaluhod si Andrew sa harap ng screen, sapo ang kanyang dibdib ay impit ang kanyang pagiyak, pilit niyang pinipigilan ang paghagulgol kung kayat makailang ulit ang pagyugyog ng kanyang balikat. Tinitikis niya ang paghiyaw, walang boses na paulit ulit niyang binibigkas ang panglan ni Carl, at ang tila pagsabog ng kanyang dibdib dahil sa sakit nanararamdaman…

“Madaya ka Carl…” sa kaibuturan ng kanyang puso ay kinakausap niya si Carl “madaya ka…bakit mo ginawa ito sa akin? Bakit mo ipinagkait sa akin ang mga sandaling alam kong maaari pang gawan ng masasayang alaala… ikaw na nagbigay ng lakas ko upang labanan ang sakit na pareho nating iniinda, bakit sa atin pa nangyari ito, bakit? Mahal na mahal kita at baka hindi ko makayanang mabuhay ng wala ka…”

Chapter 12

Hindi alintana ni Andrew ang gutom at pagod sa kakaiyak, ilang beses na niyang pinaulit ulit ang video ni Carl at paulit ulit parin siyang humahagulgol, ang boses ni Carl ang para bang nagaalo sa kanyang paghihirap, ngunit kasabay din nito ay ang bigat ng kanyang kalungkutan sa tuwing napagmamasdan niya ang taong minamahal.

Dapithapon na ng mahimasmasan ng kaunti si Andrew, tumayo at lumabas siya sa kwartong iyon ng may kasiguraduhang mga hakbang. Tila wala sa sariling umakyat sya sa hagdanan at hindi pinapansin ang mga taong bumabati sa kanya, hindi niya ginamit ang elevator dahil sa bawat hakbang paakyat ay tila ba lumalapit siya sa kung nasaan si Carl, na sa bawat tunog ng kanyang mga yabag ay nagbibigay ginhawa sa bigat na kanyang dinadala.

Narating niya ang makipot na bakal na pinto, pinihit niya ang hawakan at dahandahang binuksan, sinalubong siya ng kulay dalandan na sinag ng papalubog na araw, ni hindi siya kumurap ng tumama ito sa kanyang mata, mula sa di si kalayuan ay natanaw niya ang anino ni Nel na nakaupo sa swing sa may gazebo, nakayapos sa kanyang mga tuhod at nakatanaw sa papalubog na araw.

May mga ibong nagsisipagdapo sa patay na puno na tumatabing sa araw mula sa bintana ng cottage ni Carl, malungkot na napangiti si Andrew at mula sa kawalan ay tila ba narinig niya ang mga tinuran ni Carl “even death has it’s own beauty…that tree, though dead, adds beauty to the sunset, it adds beauty to every goodbyes.” Ngayon lang napagtanto ni Andrew na sa simula palang ay palihim ng ipinaparamdam sa kanya ni Carl ang kalagayan.

Pumasok siya sa cottage, tulad parin ito ng dati… sa bawat sulok nito ay buhay na buhay si Carl, mula sa nakabukas na bintana ay ang pakalat na sinag ng papalubog na araw dahil natatabingan ito ng mga ibon. Natigilan siya ng makita niya sa maliit na mesa sa tapat ng bintana ang isang urn, makinis ang kulay abong marmol na alam niyang naglalaman ng mga abo ni Carl, sa tabi nito ay isang papel na pinatungan isang halamang nasa maliit na paso. Kinuha niya ang papel at doon ay ang sulat kamay ni Nel

“He wished to be here to watch the sunset upto the day of his burial.”

Napatanaw siya kay Nel sa labas, hindi parin ito nagbabago ng pwesto, patuloy lang ito na nakatitig sa kawalan, napakagandang pagmasdan ang pagtama ng sikat ng papalubog na araw sa kanyang katawan, halos anino lang niya ang nababanaag niya at ang paligid ng katawan nito ay tila nagiilaw dahil sa tama ng liwanag nito. Napadako muli ang mata niya sa papel na hawak at doon ay napansin niya ang marka ng putik mula sa mga kamay ng nagsulat, kamay ni Nel. Napadako ang mata niya sa maliit na halamang nakapatong sa sulat kanina, may bulaklak itong kulay puti, bagong tanim… basa ang lupa, at bigla siyang natigilan ng mapagtanto niyang iyon ang halaman ni Carl.

“Andrew, when the stone falls…it doesn’t mean that the flower will fall too.” naalala niya ang sinabi ni Nel , ngayon naintindihan niya kung bakit puro putik ang mga kamay nito.

Nanginginig ang mga kamay na hinawakan niya ang puting bulaklak ng halamang iyon, sumilay ang matipid na ngiti ng kanyang maalala ang pagaalaga ni Carl sa halamang ‘yon at ang birong usapang hindi niya nakakalimutan.

“This plant will bloom orange, or perhaps yellow…yes, I like it yellow.”

“Tangek! Adik ka talaga, puti at at violet lang ang kulay ng bulaklak ng halamang yan.”

“Hahaha..I know, but I want this one to bloom in pale yellow, that’s why I think this one is special”

“E ano naman ibig sabihin niyan sayo pag namulaklak nga yan ng dilaw?”

“Sus..tinatanong paba yon? Syempre it means…” tumingin ito sa kanya at ngumiti ng nakakloko “it means you are my Beautiful Andrew” sabay halakhak nito ng matutunog na tawa.

“Tarantado!” ngunit hindi niya din mapigilan ang matawa, “halika na nga, baka lamukin ka pa d’yan.”

…at ang kasunod na usapang kung saan una niyang nakitang naging seryoso ng ganon si Carl.

“Do you believe in miracles?”

“oo naman…bakit ikaw, naniniwala ka?”

“Oo…I do believe in miracles, everyday is a miracle, life is a miracle itself…even you, Beautiful Andrew…you’re a miracle.”

 “Have you found your miracle, Carl?”

“Probably…Have you seen my miracle?”

“You have miracles, huh? Ano yun aber?”

“That’s for you to find out, you’ll know it’s my miracle when you saw it…”

Napangiti si Andrew ng maalala ang kalokohang iyon, nakatitig siya sa mga puting talulot ng halaman.

“It’s white Carl, you lose… does that mean that I am not your Beautiful Andrew?” iginawi niya ang tingin sa marmol na urn, kinakausap si Carl. Wala ng luha sa kanyang mga mata dahil ramdam niya na buhay na buhay si Carl sa lugar na iyon, kahit papano ay naibsan ang lungkot na kanyang nararamdaman kahit alam niyang pansamantala lamang ito.

“You should have been here, para makita mo na hindi ito kailanman magiging kulay dilaw o orange…sabi ko sayo eh, puti ang kulay ng bulaklak nito…p-parang ikaw, hindi kana kailanman babalik”

Sa pagkabigkas sa mga salitang  iyon ay may kung anong bikig sa kanyang lalamunan ang namuo,

“Carl, If you’re here please give me some signs…tell me you’re happy now kung nasaan ka man ngayon, give me signs for me to let you go…” nangingilid na muli ang kanyang mga mata.

Mula sa bintana ay pumasok ang malamyos na ihip ng hangin at dumampi sa kanyang pisngi, napatanaw siya sa labas ng bintana kung saan ay biglang nagsiliparan ang mga ibon mula sa patay na puno, nakita niya si Nel na napalingon sa punong nasa likuran. Napakaganda ng tanawing iyon, nawala ang pagkakatabing ng mga ibon sa sinag ng papalubog na araw, bumaha ang liwanag nito sa kabuuan ng loob ng cottage.

Bumuntung hininga siya at ibinalik ang tingin kay ‘Carl’ at sa halaman…natutop niya ang bibig at namangha sa nakita. Tuluyang bumalong ang mga luha sa kanyang mga mata, sa nanginginig na mga kamay ay binuhat at niyakap niya si ‘Carl’, at ang unang patak ng kanyang luha ay sinalo ng mga talutot ng bulaklak…na sa tama ng sinag ng papalubog na araw ay tumingkad ang kulay nitong… kulay dilaw.

“I’ve seen you’re miracle, Carl…I Love You and I will always be… your Beautiful Andrew.”

end