Questions (A Confession)

Questions

by glenmore bacarro

dedicated to Ry-ann Cortea and Jo-ann Tengson

The warmth of the summer morning woke me up early than my usual waking up habit. I took my toothbrush and brushed my teeth with a heavy heart, washed my face disappointed by the warm water for it did not fully wake me up. I made my coffee and intended to increase my usual morning dose. I tuned the fm radio, took the morning paper and began reading as I settled myself on the couch. 

I advanced to my favorite page, the entertainment pages. The news somewhat lifted me up from my half wake state. As I go on into the pages while sipping my bitter beverage my mood hoisted. It took me ten minutes to satisfy my “showbiz-curious” mind before flipping the pages to my next favorite column. I found the feature and readied myself for “what-will-be-my-comment-for-today” type of reading. I read the first line then I paused for my eyes caught a quoted line within the column. 


The line said, “He that is not jealous is not in love.” 


I stared at the line for a time, and then my lips curved a knowing smile. I just remembered instinctively what had happened last night. When I had had time talking to the two lovers having their troubled affairs (online).

I put down the newspaper and took my laptop and began typing, coincidentally, the radio played a song by a local band ft with a known rap artist entitled “kasalanan”. I smiled and then continued my typing.

Love, trust, loyalty and faith to one’s partner keep the passion in the relationship burning. Insecurities, jealousy, possessiveness and too much of everything can fuel hatred that can freeze the heart. 


But “One who is not jealous is not in love?” then again I had to ask myself “What is the standard of being in love? When can you say that love is enough and when to say you need more? When to say you had had enough and you need space to breathe? When to hold tight and when to let go?” or above all, “When to say you don’t love him/her anymore?” and to satisfy my confused mind again I asked, “Does love really die? If it’s so, is it in a natural death? Or one can actually kill this feeling to make the heart go cold?” 

“What is the standard of being inlove?” This is a subjective type of question, one answer differs with the others but all are right. It depends on one’s idea of being inlove. Each of us has our own standards when it comes to love. We claim for the ideal not knowing that not all ideal are supposed to be right. We set limits not knowing all limits had their own limitations. We create our own love in a blissful perfection not knowing that it’s living in fantasy beyond reason and reality. 


I remember him saying last night, “She’s not the one I used to know before; she changed a lot.” 
I fight against my mind on cursing him, “How dare him!” How pathetic one can blame others for the things he’s not even sure was right. Had he ever realized that when he accepted her to be his girlfriend he had had his responsibility to keep things as they are and to challenge changes when it comes? 
People don’t change, understanding do. When one’s mind was corrupted with guilt and unreasoned jealousy, his views changed. One must always remember “a stone will always be a stone, but a hand which touches it will never be the same hand forever.” 
Instead of saying “She’s not the one I used to know; she changed a lot.” Why he didn’t try asking himself “Why I saw her differently now than before?” in this way he can surely find an answer within himself. And if he did, his standards will surely crash. 



“When to say that love is enough and when to say you need more? When to say you had had enough and you need space to breathe?” 
Humans were made without satisfaction. We always hope and pray for something we considered best, sometimes even bargaining everything we have just for this single thing or moment were dying to have. We always look forward to it and it keeps us trying to go on for this endless path of life. 


Alas! Endless path of life, tireless and infinite; the simple fact we forgot or we tend to forget. We keep on denying ourselves that in the long run of our course when we had had what we wished to have for; we tend to ask for more when we saw that the path ahead of us still has an eternity. 


We live in no satisfaction, we always ask for more. The thing we bargained for when we had it is of no importance than on what more we want. The sad thing is, most of us deny it, we deny that we’re disappointed and we ask for more, we deny that sometimes denying sounds so real that we end up believing it. And when these reasons we denied, mounted into a landslide of guilt and shame, we tend to find ways for an escape. We leave our reality and we began creating our own world for us to breathe, a world incomparable to the one we left. Not knowing that what we had created is a limbo, an unfathomable prison made within ourselves. 


Her words reverberated in my ears, “We’ve been through this a million times, I have had enough, I need time to think, and I need space. He never trusted me, I love him very much before but for now I’m not even sure…I’m confused.” 


If I’m in front of her by that time she may had seen my strong opposition expression from what she said. How selfish she is, how sure she is that it was him who never had his lesson learned from that million times they’ve been through? 


What is she consider enough if in the first place she never accepted what he had offered? If in the million times she never actually listened to him? Space can never be an escape because it is void and expand into nothingness. It can steal one’s feeling and it’ll take an eternity to find it when you want it back. It’s selfish to ask for it, for your distancing yourself for good without explanation. 


How in the world she can say that he didn't trust her and didn’t realized the fact that in the moment she’s saying that, she had lose her trust to him? For you can’t say that one didn't trust you if in the first place you had trust in him that he will never do such thing. 


It pained me more when she said her last words, how shallow is a love that gets confused? Love can never get confused because it doesn't have a mind to reason out. The affection felt can never be tampered by itself, guilt and insecurities can stain its sincerity but strengthens it when one hugged forgiveness and acceptance. 


Why not say, “I can forgive him a million times because I have enough love for him. And I think he surely do the same. We must create a space together a world for us to grow. I love him very much before but not as much as the love I will be feeling with him on the future. I am confused because I can’t find the word how to say how much I love him.” I dare her to say these words to him and surely they realize how lucky they both are.



“When will to hold tight and when to let go? When to say you don’t love him/her anymore?” 
Have we ever asked ourselves what are the reasons why we’re still holding on and or why we’re letting go? Perhaps yes, but have we ever found even just a single plausible answer? Perhaps yes, but can this answer worth everything that we’re ready to give up? Again perhaps it’s a yes, but one thing is definitely true no matter what, either way, the pain is real and it leaves us broken. 


But have you ever tasted the bitter sweet of these moments? Because for every ‘holding-on’ there’s hope and sometimes hopes become dreams of reality; for every ‘letting-go’ there’s freedom from pain and pains are nothing but temporary. Sometimes when we don’t let love rule over our confused heart we tend to make decisions that we usually regret at the end. And as reckless as we had been we end up breaking our own heart and sometimes changing us into a cold and selfish monster that it takes another lifetime to recreate. It makes us live in sorrow and incapable of loving even our own selves. 

We can say that we don’t love our partners anymore when we stopped believing that we’re not complete anymore; when we’re lacking something that once was ours. Because the moment we accepted our partner he/she had filled the emptiness we have. Either he/she lost his/her part, or you unconsciously withdrew the part you had given. 


Mistakes and wrongs we’ve done are part of every relationship. Forgiveness is another thing. It’s hard to forgive just as hard as to ask for forgiveness, but in every relationship love can outweigh every hatred and guilt. You may never forgive him/her for doing the vilest thing but within your heart the love once shared will always be the same. You can shout to the world that you don’t love him/her anymore but when the façade of silence greeted you the emptiness and longing for that love shouts louder. There are choices to make and chances to take and the best thing do is not to make or take it alone. It should be mutual, afterall both parties created the foundation and to break it shattered with bitterness is far more complicated than to let it stand still if not for the future then at least for the past to finally had its home. 
Moreover, it’s still nice to reminisce the pain of the past with a smile curved on the lips. 

I remember her asking, “Do I need to let him go?” and him telling me “I love her very much and I’m afraid of losing her.” This time I want to ask the same question to them, to her “Does your heart feels like you need to let him go?” and to him “Have your heart feels like you’re losing her for real?” Sometimes the hardest questions are those with the simplest answers. 


“Does love really dies? If it’s so, is it in a natural death? Or one can actually kill this feeling to make the heart go cold?” 
I once asked a friend of mine who’s having a hard breakup with her boyfriend to do a simple exercise I devised. 
She’s filled with bitterness and vow to never love again. Her heart beats her hatred to love. She can’t move on because the ghost of her past keeps on haunting her. She pitied herself for giving too much and left nothing for herself. That the love she gave were wasted and never appreciated. She felt that it was her who left hanging and lost from the battle she thought she fought with. 


With her tears welled, I asked her to get a piece of paper and a pen. I asked her to write every happy memory she had with her boyfriend, I asked her to write every detail no matter how painful it gets. I know it’s an agonizing punishment to do such things. 
Then after I asked her to read all the things she wrote, at first she did but the pain is just too much for her, she end up crying almost in hysteria. 


After she calmed, I asked her to look at the paper and said to her, “From all those times do you think he never appreciated you? Do you think he never loved you? How does the sweetness you’ve been turned to bitterness right now? Tell me now; do you think he never gave you his all?” She looked at me confused. I continued “Can you pick at least one of those memories where you once said into yourself that you have everything, that you’re the richest girl in the world for having him, that you’re willing to bargain and give up everything just for that moment to last forever?” she looked at me this time I saw a bitter smile and said “…all of them”. 
I smiled and said “Never ever said that he never loved you or never appreciated you.” I continued. “He did, and he will never forget you because he played a part of you and you a part of him. It’s just that love didn’t work between the two of you. Fine, he hurt you, he broke you into pieces but that’s the way it should be. All of what of you should be broken so that you can create a new you for the next love to find. Never pick your broken pieces and mold it again as whole because no other love can polish it again for you. Every crease of those broken pieces made whole holds memories that belongs to the past – you can never move on. You can’t give your all for the new love to nurture within your heart if from the very start you started with the broken products of your past. That’s the reason why break ups are painful, everything is broken and we can do nothing out of those but serve just as memories to cherish and lessons to learn. You should create again a new you… unstained, polished, whole and perfect for the new love to find.”

We split up knowing that still she has a heavy heart. After a couple of weeks she called me with a lifted heart. We talked till she cries again but this time the bitterness was gone. She told me one of the sweetest line I ever heard “I do still love him…but I want him no more.” She smiled then I answered her “You’re whole again.” 


I smiled as I remember these things, Love therefore never dies. It may gone cold but still the presence of it linger till one’s heart stops beating. No one can ever kill one’s love just as sure as that no one can ever live without love. 

Before I end up my typing, I just want to ask this couple to do the same thing. I want them to write every memory they’d shared but this time after, I want them to compare and ask themselves “Have I ever loved you?” Then perhaps all worries on their relationship will fade and trust will build a foundation that no one can break. Trust is one of the best guards of a relationship it keeps the passion to never lose its heat. With trust honesty will surface, loyalty will strengthen and love will keep on burning.

With all the questions I laid, I may have answered it maybe in denial and lies but one thing I want every reader to know. “My heart speaks and sometimes hearts do lie but every lie a heart made can be an excuse for guilt to be cleanse, for truth to be noticed, for love to grow.” 






gb!