Love, Anthony

Anthony

glenmore bacarro

I am driving to the place where his mom told me where he is. I can’t help but to remember him and those bittersweet memories we’ve shared. As my car stereo filled his voice, years before kept crawling back on my mind. I never even realized that they were just there with me, inside me, within me.

“…you were just the dream that I once knew. I never thought I could be right for you…” their song is playing. The memories flashed.

A boy next door, people loves him. He talks a lot; he often smiles to anyone, very charming in his own special way. You can’t help but fall in love with him. He knew for a fact that he is good looking; and that he can boasts himself with pride. Every girl in the campus has a crush on him…he likes them, but never he had a girlfriend.

He laughed on his own clumsiness and laughed more when he is in bliss. He’ll greet you delightfully with his unfading smile no matter who you are, no matter where you are.

I’m just wondering why he never had a girlfriend. Are there lies behind his charms? Are there any secrets he dares not to reveal? Is he gay? I quickly scolded myself for thinking such. I know deep within me, he’s just a boy; capable of loving and needed to be loved.

Oh Anthony! How much you had deceived me.

I dropped my books, scattered in a mess along the corridors behind heavy footsteps. I cursed in anger and scowled in the most cannot-be-painted face. My anger was set into fire not just because I am very late for my next class but because I haven’t heard any sorry or a paused for a hand from that someone who bumped me. I heard a hurrying footsteps descending from the stairs. I picked up my things and shouted in disgust for that someone. My anger somewhat subsided and was changed with wonder as I saw a drop or two of fresh blood just beside my physics notebook. I reflexively turn my head towards the corridor’s floor where that someone had walked by. Nothing more, no more blood. Maybe it’s not his I thought or maybe its just nothing. And my anger towards that someone again fired.

My whole day seems to be very bad after that encounter. While cleaning my table for the last class before leaving the room, a pair o hand helped me picked up my belongings. In my amazement it was the guy whom I dreamed to be with for long. It was Anthony. This actually completed my day, but out of nowhere he said.

“Does it hurt you when we bumped along the corridor?” he looked at me concerned but smiling.

I gasp. I can’t actually find any words to say. “…it’s nothing. I’m all right.” I finally uttered.

“But I heard you shouted? You burst in anger as if this building will going to collapse?” he is smiling, showing his pearly white teeth. His dark eyes still showed concern. Im just not sure if I saw something I cannot explain. Is it sadness? Is it hatred? Or is it love?

My blood rushed up to my face, I blushed.

I smiled, he smiles back.

And that was the start.

The wind is messing my hair, while I stood here above him. The grass carpeted the vast playground of each lone soul. The birds are celebrating the tranquility of the place. Nothing is hostile. All are on the verge of loneliness and or of longing ness to the love that had been interrupted by time; by chance.

Wild flowers are sprouting and lining the boarders of his territory. Mosses are patiently growing and concealing his encrypted name. Oh Anthony! Still you are hiding behind your mask, trying to hide not just your true color but the love you denied. The love we once shared, the love that almost been ours, almost been mine.

The night was still young. We were walking along the sea shore away from the group. We can still hear their laughters and the music from the cottage.

“…you were just the dream that I once knew. I never thought I could be right for you…”

“They’re singing my song” he said.

We were holding hands, the moon as our guide towards nowhere. My heart is celebrating with joy. Somehow I know my feelings are real, that I am inlove with this man. Though he never said that he loves me too, I know and I can feel that there is something between us.

“What if time comes that we need to go? I…I mean if we need to separate ways? He said out of the silence we have.

I don’t know if my eyes cheated me. Through his eyes, the joy it always held I saw it faded with the moonlight. He took his eyes away from me but he held my hand tighter.

“What do you mean?” I said.

He looked at me again. This time smiling and he said nothing.

We begin walking again, this time towards the group. He walks rapidly.

“Wait!” I said, but still he didn’t stop.

I pulled my hand from his grip and shouted to him. “Anthony I love you!”

He stopped. He faced me. He inched forward…silence enveloped us, only the sea waves and the nocturnal birds break the silence between us.

“It can’t be!” he whispered with conviction. He turned his back and hurriedly walks away.

I was stunned. I ran after him; grab his hand and almost in scream I asked. “Why?”

He just looked at me and he said after a while.

“This is the last thing I fear. I know this will happen but it can’t be. You must not love me!”

“Why?” I asked again. This time I can’t hide the pain. “I love you.” In tears I said.

“I don’t want you to love me. I don’t want you to get hurt. I have a girlfriend already. And I love her very much. I love her more than I love you!” He said but in his eyes I saw tears.

“You’re lying!” I shouted. I can’t control my tears any longer. “Kiss me.” I said.

He looked at me stunned. He did not move.

I grabbed his head, cling to his neck and I kissed him. He didn’t move. I withdrew, disgusted for I’ve done. He looked at me. In his eyes, love betrayed him. Then slowly after a moment he bent down and kissed me.

It has so much with love, passionate, lustful and possessive. I felt his lips next to mine. I felt his body responding the heat generated within me. After a while we parted I looked at him in the eyes, for the first time maybe I felt and I saw that this Anthony with me tonight is the real one. He is in love, fragile and soft so true.

He carried me up out from the shore. He smiled and kissed me more as he gently lay me down. A tree shaded us from the moon, veiling our naked bodies from the only witness to this magic moment. His hands are caressing me, soft and gentle. My body is burning with passion and greed desires. His tongue is exploring every inches of me. His lips are as soft as I had imagined. His heartbeats are in rhythm with mine. Our eyes are closed; ears are deafened by the silence of the night. The seagulls refrained from disturbing the moment. The waves had refused to give its gentle rumbles. Everything stopped as if they tend to give me this night of heavenly feelings; of this moment of my first time to tastes the love he can only give.

 Anthony. He’s mine.

How long have I been standing here? Looking down to this stone tablet as if looking for something that oath to be there. The sun apparently fades from the horizon. Its golden rays added beauty and tranquil to this total silence. I wiped my tears, dried it from my sleeves. I saw him playing from afar trying to catch the early nocturnal insects that are flying from a stone after another. I smiled, bitter than the last glimpse I have of Anthony.

How could I ever forget that night…and the day after?

“But I don’t love you!” he whispered, but I can see through his eyes that he is lying.

“Why?” I said again. Again, tears are already falling. 

“It’s just that I don’t, and you’re not supposed to love me.” he said taking his eyes away from me.

“What about…last night…in the shore?” I said. This time I’m pleading.

“I…It’s nothing.” He mumbled.

I was stunned. The world had fallen upon me.

I said nothing. He left.

Nearly seven years had passed since that day. He dropped out from school and the last thing I heard about him is that they had left. Here I am, still crying and longing to this man whom I had loved more than anyone else.

That phone call that will gonna change my life forever, I remembered well. That voice, it was the first time I heard it, though there is a tinge of familiarity to it, I can’t find the strength to hear the things she had to say.

She greeted me on her door. An old face, it was gentle and kind. It bears a striking resemblance to the face for long I had never seen. After a short talk, in her eyes I saw no tears he smiled at me she said thank you and handed me a treasured box.

“I know its time for you to have this. You’re the owner I suppose?” she said smiling as she ran her finger on the engraved name on the lid cover.

I look at the box. My name was written in it. It was fined and neatly carved. Tears lined my eyes when I look at her.

“I found it in his things, hidden neatly on his drawer. I may had never found it if I didn’t touch those things he possessed. I’m leaving this town and perhaps I will never get back. I’m selling this house; it held much memories of him. It still pained me you know? Though it had been years.” she said, smiling but now a tear fell. 

I am speechless. I can’t say a single word. A lump had blocked my throat and the tears I’ve been fighting had finally fallen.

“He died 5 years ago.” She continued. “I’m sorry for not telling you then, I don’t know. He might not have told me, but I know you made him happy for the last moments of his life.”

Tears fell. I said nothing.

She guided me out. At the door, she kissed me goodbye. Handed me a piece of paper and said.

“If you had time, you can visit me there. My daughter will be happy to meet you.”

“Sure I will.” I said. “We’ll visit you soon.” I smiled.

She looked at me puzzled. And then she smiled.

“…you were just the dream that I once knew. I never thought I would be right for you… I just can’t compare you with anything in this world…”

The tape played his song. I tried to fight back the tears but it’s too impossible for me to keep the feelings that had been trying to burst since I left their house.

“Mi Amore…” his voice came. I stepped on the breaks and tried to calm myself. Coldness crept within me at the sound of his voice. His voice, it was harsh but sincere and true; full of love. “…my only love.” He continued.  “…by the time that this tape is on your hands I am already six feet under the ground.” He laughed but it was weak and dry.

“You knew that in someway I had loved you too. But see? It can’t be. We can’t be together because I can’t give you a lifetime with me. I am not for you…you deserves someone more than me; more than the love I can give you. I don’t want to give you a life where you’ll only suffer.”

The pain is too much for me to bear. Bitterness and guilt had eaten my heart. Why? I asked. Why he denied me of the chances I might spend with him? He doesn’t want me to be hurt? But why is the pain keeps on growing inside me? What could be more painful than the truth? I closed my eyes tightly.

“…I was diagnosed of having a cancer before I met you. They had given me months. If begin showing symptoms. ” Again he laughs. “…still remember the first time we met? I’m sorry I might have hurt you. Does it hurt you when we bumped along the corridor?” the exact words he said to her; he laughs again but this time with a shuddered cough. “…that was the first time I showed one of my symptoms. I sensed that near I may have to go. But see? Since that day you had changed my life. My months turn to years. You gave me reasons why I should get up and go end the day with a smile. You became my inspiration to fight for the pain of this illness.” I can feel from his voice that he is crying too. I sob harder.

“…and at the end of the day, I always pray hard that you should never love me. That you must not love me, because I can’t bear the pain of leaving you alone…bec-…”

I pressed the stop button of the car stereo. I don’t want to hear what he had to say, because I know…for long I already knew that he really loves me. That his words are true and that leaving is all what he got. I had managed a bittersweet smile.

The darkness enveloped us. Only a silver lining along the horizon gives a purple hue that lights the stone tablets lined in pews. I looked at the stone before me; its pale white color gives the feeling of emptiness.

“Mom, are we not going home yet?” he said. In his hands he held a handful of wild lilies.

“Who is he?” he asked, looking at the stone. I didn’t answer him.

I looked at him. I wiped the tears from my cheeks smiled at him. I knelt down to see him directly. I ruffled his hair gave him a kiss and a tight hug. I look at his eyes. Those eyes I could never forget. The eyes of the man I ever loved.

I stood up and held his hand and guided him towards the car. We were in a short distance from the gravestone when he suddenly stopped. I looked at him puzzled. He thinks for a while before retracing his steps back to the grave. I watched in awe and my heart swell with so much love and pain when I saw him laid those wild lilies he held down to his father’s grave.